


as the waves crash

by curdledorangejuice



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Anxiety, Descriptions of the ocean, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Rantaro's dad is a player, Saihara Shuichi-centric, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, a lot of shuichi character studies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28436532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curdledorangejuice/pseuds/curdledorangejuice
Summary: The thermostat in the back of the classroom always displayed 55 degrees no matter the weather, leaving the students to shake ever so slightly when the leaves began turning orange and the heat from the hallway windows could no longer neutralize the cold of the science room. Science class, economics project, a chilly October morning of the last year of high school. A new relationship blooms. Very slowly.I thought the amasai tag needed a slow burn in line with the canon story of Rantaro's missing sisters and Shuichi's promise to help him. So I wrote one.
Relationships: Amami Rantaro/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 23
Kudos: 79





	1. falling leaves, cool winds, and fuel emissions

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in a school that resembles American ones because I have no idea how Japanese schools work. They start school in September and end in May. Both of their personalities are how they were at the beginning of V3 but both eventually develop as time passes. Especially Shuichi. Bare with him.

Being left working with a classmate everyone finds weird in one way or another is exactly the type of luck that comes with being a guy like Shuichi.

Science class, economics project, a chilly October morning of the last year of high school. The thermostat in the back of the classroom always displayed 55 degrees no matter the weather, leaving the students to shake ever so slightly when the leaves began turning orange and the heat from the hallway windows could no longer neutralize the cold of the science room.

Unless you’re tough guy Mondo Oowada and don’t seem to own a shirt, you’ve learned the importance of bringing a hoodie just for 5th period by now, considering the other teachers were sane and kept their rooms at a moderate temperature.

When his name was called, Shuichi jolted in his seat, forced to look up at the board where the teacher stood. She was an older woman, stern and punctual. Her rapidly graying hair fell in tufts around her face and she wore a thick sweater to accommodate for her own choice of temperature.

Her face was twisted into a disapproving frown, painting her feelings loud and clear. Something about authoritative figures giving him a look that could crack him open and drain him dry of any want to exist really made Shuichi tremble. His hands remained nestled in the pockets of the dark blue hoodie he had grabbed before class, lined with skinny vertical stripes. It was meant mostly for warming him up, but partially served to hide his hands and use the hood to avoid making eye contact with anyone. He’s hesitant to admit it out loud, but the inability to have a hat on at school made him pretty anxious.

It caused him to notice sideways glances, downright lingering stares, and dirty looks as he passed the same group of people he’d been going to school with for the last couple of years.

“A-ah yes? sorry” Shuichi muttered, reeling at how much his voice cracked after a long time of not using his vocal chords. Staying quiet all class has its major downsides. But Shuichi never really had much to say, he was timid by nature. More so used to spending time in his head, envisioning scenarios from his favorite novels, or putting together clues from cases his uncle’s mentioned off hand while telling him about his day at work.

A sigh left his teachers mouth, making Shuichi jolt again. This time it was slight, and pretty much unnoticeable, so the teacher continued, unbothered by how uncomfortable she was making him feel in his own seat.

“Make sure to pay attention next time, you will be working on the economics project with Rantaro over there since neither of you have partners, I would like you to please complete the research and presentation by winter break. They will be presented in class so do your best.” with that she finished her recap of the directions and returned to her tasks, scratching away at the board with a dying red marker.

The nerves of being spoken to, especially when you sit in the middle of the classroom, are indescribable. Not only the looks from everyone while they’re trying to figure out who the teacher is talking to, but the sneers and giggles from kids who think it’s so funny, the way that Shuichi’s leg bounces idly. Not to mention the disappointment in his teacher’s tone when she realizes he had zoned out again. The true staples of high school.

The quiet ticking of the clock fell on deaf ears, shuffling feet of all the students scurrying to get to their respective tables to meet their team members making enough noise to overwhelm anyone without anything else to focus on. And yet, Shuichi sat still.

He was unable to peel himself off the desk chair, nerves spiking at the idea of working with someone new. He hated it all so much. A cold sweat formed all over his body, but alas, he needed to power through. The class’ grade was really important for his future plans.

Shuichi, being dead set on making his uncle proud as a way of thanking him for his lifetime of taking care of him when his parents wouldn’t, wanted to get into college. Most likely study criminal justice. He wasn’t sure where to go from there, probably become a full time detective at his uncle's agency, maybe even take over when he steps down. Though not what he wants to do, he’s okay committing to it as long as it makes his uncle happy. It was the least he could do.

After all, not many people would willingly take a kid from their brother, who fled to America for his career with his wife, and then raise that kid like his own son.

While squeezing his eyes shut and breathing in to calm his nerves, Shuichi continued fidgeting with his fingers on the inside of his pockets. Taking them out now would force the harsh cold air to mesh with the light layer of sweat that’s built itself up on his palms in the duration of class.

“Hey, it’s Shuichi right?” a guy sat down, placing himself backwards on the desk chair right in front of Shuichi’s. Suddenly ripped from his thoughts the teen was now faced with Rantaro Amami, aka his new project partner for the next month and a half.

Shuichi never really understood why people were weirded out by him, they mostly said he was cryptic, mysterious, and hard to figure out. People thought it was any of their business to discuss his dating habits too. Often calling him a womanizer, painting him to be someone who just hooks up with random girls and never calls them again. Though, as with most other useless things high schoolers discussed in hushed tones, there was no proof of that, no explanation for their assumptions, and no reason for them to be making these claims.

Shuichi always hated gossip. He despised the way people would paint a picture of someone for no reason and then convince others it was the truth. Or they’d take a family member’s reputation and tack it onto their classmates, somehow weaving together reasons for it to make any sort of sense for people to be carbon copies of their predecessors. High school reputations carried weight, and no matter how hard you tried, sometimes they stuck to you like gum.

His years of being a detective’s apprentice taught him to look below the surface, to make his own judgements on others rather than listening to the skewed views of strangers.

Since he’s never even spoken to Rantaro before, the years worth of whispers about him didn’t matter. Even so, looking him in the eyes, which were a solid green, a color that reminds you of a lonely field on a cloudy day, not often visited and hiding secrets beneath the tall grass that stretched for miles. The desaturated color of his irises accompanied by long lashes and small beauty marks, which you wouldn’t be able to see unless you got super close or were looking for them, did give him a mysterious vibe. 

Not to mention the wavy green hair, which was brighter than his eyes, tan skin, not only littered with beauty marks but light freckles which only showed when he shifted a certain way under the harsh indoor lighting. He was covered with countless accessories. From an eyebrow bar to an ear covered with hoops. His fingers were decked out with rings on both hands, bracelet upon bracelet stacked on top of one another, covering half his arm, and loose layers that hung off his frame. All of it together really did give him a certain vibe, one Shuichi couldn’t put his finger on.

He’d spent maybe a solid 30 seconds to a minute just evaluating his looks, not realizing he never responded. Shuichi could feel his cheeks heating up with the realization.

“Ah sorry! Yes I’m Shuichi, Shuichi Saihara, and you’re Rantaro Amami” he stuttered out, the guy sitting in front of him bore an easygoing smile, his face almost mockingly relaxed, eyes half lidded as he spoke

“Yea that’s me, but calling me by my full name is kind of formal isn't it? we’re not work colleagues, Rantaro is fine'' he told him.

Shuichi could tell he was the type of guy who would usually outstretch his hand during introductions, but he noticed Shuichi’s hands were still buried deep in his pockets, so he visibly resisted the urge.

“You don’t have to be so closed off you know? We’re gonna be working together for a while, no need to be wary of me” he said, offering yet another relaxed smile.

He was trying to make it seem like mentioning his reputation didn’t make him uncomfortable. Unfortunately for him, Shuichi wasn’t buying it. Relaxed smile or not, it wasn’t genuine. You could tell he has years of practice under his name. The guy was probably used to giving out warm smiles that ease people’s nerves. Plus, he’d winced almost unnoticeably as he choked out the sentence.

“I-i’m not wary of you, I’m just bad with new people”

Shuichi rebutted, he was being completely honest, though he couldn’t tell if that convinced Rantaro or not. The lack of eye contact, stumbling over words, and closed off body language all indicate someone is lying, but Shuichi was just timid. Hopefully Rantaro doesn’t think he believes the gossip.

“haha” Rantaro chuckled, attempting to lighten the mood yet again. The conversation was as awkward as you’d expect any first encounter to be. Nervous laughs to fill uncomfortable silence and sideways glances, aimed at nothing in particular.

“I believe you, and anyways i’m not a suspicious guy, so no reason to be” the statement was punctuated by him rubbing the back of his neck and letting out another airy laugh.

“Right,, um, should we get to discussing the project then”

The boys spent the next couple of days looking for possible topics. The time others spent researching and drafting, they spent throwing ideas out in the air. None of them really stuck, falling short, and since they’d need to spend so long working on something, both of them wanted a topic they cared about. In the time they’ve spent hunched over at their shared lab table, tacked at the corner of the classroom, Shuichi did not come any closer to knowing what kind of person Rantaro was.

A classmate once told him he had a “nosy-looking face” and he was definitely right about that. As much as he never really meant to, he always seemed to ask too many questions and stick his nose in people’s business. I guess now was as good a time as any to work on that.

It’s quite ironic though, looking back on the closed off comment he made about Shuichi a couple days ago. Considering how big of a wall he’s obviously got around him. It basically went up to and crashed through the ceiling, towering over him. Only to be covered in a thin veil of a down to earth persona he’d carefully crafted.

Something peculiar he did get to see though, was that when deep in thought, which he often seemed to be, Rantaro made a really intense face. It’s almost scary how unapproachable he looks when he’s serious, it’s a total 180 from the usual neutral look in his eye. Shuichi wondered if he was aware of what he looked like right now.

Entirely lost in his own head, Shuichi didn’t register Rantaro trying to get his attention, only zoning back in on the 4th “hey” which made him snap out of it.

“Hey you alright? you looked lost in thought” he wondered. Obviously not what he wanted to ask at first but he was probably caught off guard by Shuichi's lack of awareness.

“Oh sorry yeah i’m fine, was just thinking about something”

“What would that be? if I may ask haha”

“You've got a really intense face when you focus, you know that?” not really considering what he just said, he just let it slip past his lips without a second thought. Shuichi froze for a moment and looked at Rantaro. Was his observation going to make him out to be some kind of weirdo that just stares at people? On top of that, it might’ve been the first time he’s really made eye contact with the guy in the last couple days.

God it’s such a pain in the ass to be so anxious about the simplest of interactions.

After the first second of slight shock, Rantaro looked amused, clearly not expecting that.  
He laughed. It came out as a small puff of air, you could barely hear it but it made his chest shake a little. It was pretty cute, if he had to put a description to it.

“So I’ve been told” he says after calming down, a smile remaining on his lips “I don’t do it on purpose”

“I figured, so what did you want to say before?” Shuichi wondered, swiftly moving on before he could make any more embarrassing comments.

“Oh right, I was thinking, what if we do our project on fuel emissions-?” Rantaro moved his hands as he explained his idea,

“-like a way to lower the amount of gas emitted into the atmosphere through finding a better alternative to fueling transportation? Not that no one’s done that before though.”

As he finished, Rantaro leaned back from the position he was in and waited patiently for a response. shuichi took a minute to consider the idea. it really was a good one, it could benefit the economy and help the environment.

“Yeah I think that’s a good idea. let’s go with it. what made you think of it?”

Rantaro was a bit surprised, again, probably not expecting someone to question his choice. He had to get used to Shuichi's million questions about everything if they were gonna work together.

He looked a bit skeptical at first, as if looking for the right words to explain it. Every time he looked like he was about to start speaking, it was as if his words were swallowed down almost instantly.

“Um, how do I say this.. I travel a lot but try to avoid cars and such because of how much toxic stuff they pump into the air. Plus I get motion sick in ‘em but nevermind that” he paused

“I also love nature, and think that it would be cool if we stopped destroying it for economic benefit.. you know?” when he was done, he did the same thing as earlier, and leaned away, using his arms to push his stool back a bit.

here come more things to add to the list of what Shuichi has learned about Rantaro:

-he likes jewelry  
-looks really intense when focused (and is aware of it)  
-rubs his neck when embarrassed  
-leans forward to get closer to whoever he’s talking to when explaining something  
-travels a lot and loves nature  
-gets carsick

“That’s a good reason”

Shuichi mentally slapped himself for that great response. He also wanted to work on being engaged in conversation properly. Kaede pointed out to him that he either interrogated someone or let the conversation fall flat and it wasn’t doing him any favors.

“S-so you travel a lot? What for? W-where’ve you been?” he added then, since he was curious anyways. Immediately Rantaro looked apprehensive, expecting the questions, but a bit disappointed by their presence, which now hung stiff in the air.

“Many reasons, some personal, so I’d rather not talk about it. but my dads kinda..... rich?-“ Rantaro winced when he said that but continued “-so I get to go a lot of places”

Once again he looked uncomfortable, his smile faltering slightly, as if something about it was bothering him. Shuichi wanted to know more, to ask more, to dig deeper into Rantaro’s brain and understand him, but he recognized discomfort when he saw it, so he stopped his mouth from spitting out anything else.

Instead, he simply nodded, smiling as to signal that he was thanking him for the explanation, and changed the subject back to the project. He could tell the gesture was appreciated when Rantaro’s smile took its rightful spot back on his face and his shoulders stopped tensing.

The weekend was approaching, which meant that if they didn’t want to stay behind on their research as a result of their late topic decision, they’d have to see each other outside of school. Though that much was obvious anyways, class time wasn’t enough to prepare a coherent research project.

Rantaro said his house was off limits, and Shuichi's uncle was way too nosy, being a detective and all. So they settled on the public library, then swapped phone numbers and wished each other a good weekend before heading their respective ways.


	2. dusty bookshelves and cold benches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet up at the library and Rantaro seems.. off, so they talk

Oh god he was so nervous. Shuichi had a couple friends, more like buddies maybe. Like Kaede, who he’d known since middle school, Kaito, who started talking to him in gym class, saying he sucked at push ups, and now sticks around trying to help him gain confidence for whatever reason, and he was also friendly with Kaito’s girlfriend (?) Maki, who was pretty cold to him. All things considered, he was still not used to talking to people, and especially not people he’d just met, so having to meet Rantaro at the library in 20 minutes was really giving him a run for his money.

It was running away with all his savings, bank account drained and dry, and leaving him winded and sweaty. In simple words, he was anxious. Making sure to check once, twice, and even a third time that his clothes were on neatly, his hair wasn’t all over the place, and his hat properly covered his eyes.

When finally able to wear it, Shuichi takes every chance to throw it on top of any outfit. Finally ready to head out, he grabbed his bag that contained notes and a laptop and took one last look in the mirror before he exited his room.

When he made his way down the stairs, creaking with each bit of weight placed on them, he was met with his aunt, who was making a coffee in the small kitchen of their two story home.

It stood in the outskirts of the town, between a couple neighboring homes, and housed him, his uncle and aunt. Close by was a park, which oversaw a cliff, sadly covered in trash, but with trees that could be seen for miles. He frequented it when in need of alone time and some fresh air, it felt like a secret spot despite not being hidden away from view. It harbored memories and thoughts he’d never shared with anyone else.

After finally snapping out of his thoughts, Shuichi briefly greeted his aunt and made it known that he was leaving for a bit, and in return she let him know to be home before sundown. With one last smile, he left and headed for the library.

His stroll was pretty peaceful, not many people live nearby, and the ones that do don’t go out very much. Which meant that one of the biggest reasons for Shuichi's anxiety was gone for now.

The mid afternoon sun shined brightly, but provided little warmth, leaving him to tremble under the loose hoodie he threw on. The wind rustled the leaves that began turning hues of orange, knocking some off their branches. A couple of them landed in Shuichi's path, making satisfying crunching sounds when his shoes crushed them. He walked at a nice pace. Not slow enough to make himself late but not too fast, as to end up winded by the time he reached the library.

Speaking of the library, before he knew it he was already at the glass entrance. the windows next to it were pretty big, but showed no sign of Rantaro inside, meaning that he was most likely seated near the back. With one last big breath Shuichi pulled on the door, making his way inside. And just as he had expected, beyond the rows of books, from fiction novels to thesaurus’, sat Rantaro.

The library had an area at the back of the building with a couple comfy chairs and a coffee table in the middle. Between the chairs was a potted plant, and behind them were another set of windows, looking out into the park next to the building. It was cozy, and since most people chose to sit at the couches near the front, they had this little area to themselves.

Both a major relief and another reason for Shuichi to keep sweating incessantly.

His footsteps must have alerted Rantaro, who promptly looked up the second Shuichi stepped into the area. His face was blank for a second before assuming its usual smile.

“Good afternoon Shuichi you’re right on time” he said, gesturing to the other chair.

Shuichi sat down, shrugging his jacket off and placing it on the back of the seat. On the table, he realized, was a map. Rantaro must’ve been looking at it before he arrived. He also held a notebook in his hands, obviously filled with notes, but probably not ones related to the project. Many of them were scribbled out from what Shuichi could see.

“You’re pretty early, w-were you working on something?”

“Yeah something or other, it’s not important, you should get out your notes, I’ll go return this” and in one swift motion Rantaro stood up, taking the map off the table and strolled off in the direction of the front desk. He was folding it as he walked, seemingly not wanting to stand there and do it.

As Shuichi was pulling notes from his bag, he realized the more he talked to Rantaro, the more he understood part of the things people said about him. Not the womanizer stuff, but him being described as mysterious. He provided vague answers and avoided questions that you wouldn’t think had any reason to be avoided. It was as if he had things to hide, things he wasn’t comfortable mentioning. Which was fine, everyone had their secrets and he could respect that. It just made him incredibly curious about the guy.

Rantaro returned, politely apologizing, and Shuichi decided that he wasn’t going to scoop any more of his brain out and put it on display for the time being.

At least that’s what he meant to do. Shuichi had every intention to stop his mind from wandering too far and asking a million questions. It seemed like Rantaro was the same every day that they met up. He'd consistently show up early no matter what time Shuichi left his house, then they’d exchange small talk, he’d avoid certain topics, then they work on the project and head home.

They decided that it would be best to continue working at the library, since class time wasn’t enough after all. Figures. He knew that. But assuming and knowing for sure were two different things, accompanied by different emotions.

Half way into their routine, that being a couple weeks, Rantaro sent him a text out of the blue. He said that something came up and he’d be gone for a couple days. Short and sweet, and provided no explanation. Very on brand.

It was fine,,, for the most part, but Shuichi didn’t know if he was meant to keep working or wait. Deciding that it’d be a waste of time to just laze around, he did additional research and wrote down calculations and presentation ideas. It made him feel better, making up for lost time. But Rantaro’s sudden disappearance bothered him.

And it kept on bothering him, even when he returned. The last thing he expected was to find that Rantaro was late to their meeting for the first time, looking just the slightest bit more disheveled than usual. He still attempted to make himself look presentable, what kind of mask would it be if it was that easy to crack? But his smile faltered more often than not.

It was really unfortunate that he got paired up with someone so painfully attentive to small details. Otherwise he would’ve had everyone fooled.

For the most part his act did not crack, words casual and answers just as vague. but he looked emptier, like someone took an ice cream scoop and just hollowed him out. The way he couldn’t keep focus, and kept zoning out while Shuichi was talking, the way he himself had done when they first met, and the way he had to scribble words out to rewrite them.

By the time the sun was beginning to set, Shuichi had been more on edge than he cared to admit. Questions were threatening to spill from his mouth, sure to overwhelm Rantaro with the sheer amount of things he’s confused about right now. But “hey a-are you okay?” was all he could muster up the courage to ask.

It was a long day of work with little progress, and it made Rantaro look like he had run dry and couldn’t even force a smile as well anymore, because when he looked up from putting his stuff away, he only lifted the corners of his mouth in an attempt to reassure Shuichi. It didn’t work. Just as he began speaking, Shuichi interrupted

“I’m sure you’re gonna say everything’s okay but you seemed off, if you don’t wanna talk then that’s okay,,,” he trailed off, but knew that he wanted to say more, so he did “we can take a break from meeting up and work separately,,, I-if you want” he looked at Rantaro from under the brim of his hat.

Speaking of, around a week after they started meeting up Rantaro commented on his hat, noting that he put it on with every outfit, and asking if there was a reason. He wasn’t rude about it, but it still made Shuichi a bit upset, since he didn’t really like to talk about it. But he told him the short version, that being “I just have a hard time making eye contact with people, this makes it easier to avoid” the word “this” being punctuated by Shuichi tipping his hat up slightly with his pointer finger.

As he looked at Rantaro, waiting for an answer, the pit of nerves in his stomach was getting deeper and deeper. it was threatening to create a black hole inside him and suck him in entirely. Not even sure why, but he felt like he was going to vomit. Shuichi was just about to apologize when Rantaro finally spoke up.

“haha-“ he started with a classic airy laugh, putting both of his hands up in front of him, sort of defensively, “it’s not a big deal, i just worked on an assignment all night and didn’t get much sleep, sorry” he finished and resumed his packing. Rantaro then stood up and flashed Shuichi a grin, it was softer than the ones he’d provided him with earlier, but it was coated with forced need for comforting him.

Not only was he lying, but that didn’t answer any of his questions about his leave, not that Shuichi had even asked any. He shouldn’t have, but Shuichi still expected Rantaro to clue him in to why he was gone like.. a little. But of course he didn’t. Knowing there was nothing he could do, Shuichi simply accepted his answer. “Okay if you’re sure” he told him, and they exited the library and went their separate ways like usual.

Shuichi didn’t really expect it to become a reoccurring sight. As they neared their projects due date, Rantaro seemed to be falling apart at the seams. Yet he would do his best not to let on. Even going as far as showing up early like he used to, even when the bags under his eyes seemed more prominent than usual.

Shuichi even spotted him practicing smiling when he hadn’t rounded the corner into the seating area yet. It was beginning to worry him a lot. At school, Rantaro acted the same, his smile never even faltering, but when school was out and it was just the two of them, he let the mask fall just enough. It might not even be intentional, he’s probably just tired after a long day, but it fell, and Shuichi worried. oh so much.

He’d seen him around school long before they ever met. They've been classmates for years. Shuichi, as he does with most other classmates, observed him. Rantaro never had many friends, people would approach him once or twice but never stick around. Someone would hang out by his locker one week and then be gone the next. Whether it was them being put off by Rantaro, or him pushing them away was far from any of Shuichi's business.

So even though he was very attractive and gave off a cool vibe, people were hesitant to approach him, his reputation hot on his tail. Despite this, he continued acting casual with everyone. Though some days it felt like he was doing it more for the sake of not making enemies rather than gaining friends.

Classmates were always kept at an arm's distance. That is until Shuichi's nosy ass got around to him. They met up 3 times in the past week, and each time he asked Rantaro how he was doing, to which he received the same answer “i’m alright no need to worry” or something along the lines. He hated how anxious it made him to constantly ask, he had a sneaking he was bothering the guy.

His suspicions were proven to be correct when on the 4th time he’d asked, Rantaro kinda snapped at him.

“How many times do I have to tell you I'm fine?” he said, raising his voice more than he’d meant to. This alerted both Shuichi and a couple of the people in their general vicinity. The scary look that appeared on his face when he focused had creeped its way back. In this context, it was far more worrying.

“I..Rantaro I’m sorry I didn’t want to nag, you’ve just seemed beaten up, I wanted you to know t-that you can talk to me about it if you want” he responded, heart as ready as ever to leap out of his chest and his mouth felt dry, like he’d swallowed sand. He noted to himself that he’d never been more thankful for his hat, since he probably looked like a kicked dog right about now.

Rantaro sighed heavily, slumping his body against the chair, the hook or his backpack hanging loosely off his fingers.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped.” It seemed like he was done talking but something told Shuichi that more was coming. He was taking time to gauge just how much he was gonna regret what he was about to propose next.

“not here, let’s leave”

Short and to the point. He wasted no time throwing his bag over his shoulders and gesturing for Shuichi to follow suit. Both of them exiting the library shortly.

Rantaro walked and walked. Shuichi was unsure as to where he was headed, but followed quietly anyway. If he didn’t want him there he would’ve probably told him to leave by now, or not have invited him in the first place. Though now that he thinks about it Rantaro might be too polite to do that.

Lost in thought once again, Shuichi registered that Rantaro stopped in his tracks almost too late to stop without bumping into him. They arrived at an empty park, one that had few benches scattered around the area with overgrown greenery wrapping around them. It was obvious the park wasn’t being taken care of, but it was where Rantaro chose to stop, so Shuichi tried not to seem apprehensive.

His plan must’ve failed, considering Rantaro turned around slowly and told him “again you don’t need to be wary, I’m not a bad guy, I just wanted to talk in private” Shuichi figured as much, there’d be no other reason to lead him here. So off towards a far away bench they went. Finally seated, the boys shared a couple moments of silence before Rantaro sighed again, this time accompanied by a groan.

He lifted his head, eyes closed, and took a breath. This, Shuichi recognized, was a sign he was probably really nervous, since it’s the same thing Shuichi did when his nerves became too much.

Before Shuichi could get any words out, not even sure what he wanted to start with, Rantaro began speaking

“You got me, I haven’t been in my best shape-“ he started off, chewing his lip, then breathed in once again, and this time more confidently continued

“-I know you remember the time I left for a week, I could tell it’s been bothering you since. You’re not very good at hiding when you’re curious about something you know that?” he laughed, attempting to ease the mood again

“I went overseas, it wasn’t really planned but I got a lead and had to act right away, otherwise I might be too late” despite his confident sounding tone, he was still being vague. He was slowly opening up to Shuichi though, which meant a lot to him regardless. But he needed to know more, the curiosity was itching at him and no time was better than now.

“I-if you don’t mind me asking, a lead on what? and did... something happen?” Rantaro could tell the question was coming, his expression mostly stone cold and unchanged.

“Actually no, nothing happened, which is why I’ve been so down, disappointment sure is sour” his face had contorted into an uncomfortable smile by the time he was done. Shuichi was skeptical about who he was trying to smile for.

“What was supposed to happen?” Shuichi knew he needed to be straight forward, ask a question and just get it out there, let the stillness in the air hang for a moment. As uncomfortable of a silence as it was, Shuichi patiently waited for an answer. One didn’t come for maybe a full minute.

Another sigh. Shuichi's starting to think he’s gonna start every sentence with a sigh.

“I’ve never told anyone this, but I lost my sisters. overseas I mean. Over the years, one by one, they all disappeared. Under my watch. Even though I was a kid, I should've kept my eye on them. Since then I’ve been looking for them, jumping on any lead, leaving the country on my search. It’s come up unsuccessful every time. I’m starting to think it’s pointless.” he squeezed his eyes shut aggressively, aggravated at the amount of information he just revealed. If it weren’t for the look on his face, Shuichi would’ve assumed he was done talking.

“Rantaro...” he so much as whispered, sympathetic.

“I know, irresponsible right? What kind of brother loses his siblings in a bunch of other countries like that? My dad doesn’t blame me anymore, but I definitely blame myself. I do what i can, but I don’t know if they’re even still alive, still out there, still waiting for m-“

“Of course they are!” Shuichi had proclaimed, quite loudly.

This startled Rantaro, pushing him to actually look at Shuichi, who was in the middle of taking his hat off. He quickly messed with his bangs and continued talking

“Of course they’re waiting for you, you’re their brother. I'm sure they know you’re trying your best to find them. Don’t blame yourself for something you did as a child. You’re the best big brother out there if you’re still putting your all into looking for them”

He expected a huff, or maybe another sigh, or a disapproving look in response, but instead he got laughter. Real, genuine laughter. It didn’t last long, a short burst of noise that left Rantaro’s throat and made his chest shake again. Once he was done he gave Shuichi a real smile too. it was much softer than his usual ones, emotion showing through the metaphorical cracks in his mask.

“No ones ever told me that” he noted, now looking ahead instead of at Shuichi “I definitely don’t think I’m the best older brother, but it was nice to hear”

Not missing a beat, Shuichi made a proposal, surprising even himself  
“do you want my help” he asked

“Your help?” a confused look was shot his way, obviously.

“I’m a detective...s apprentice. My uncle is a detective who runs an agency in town. He took care of me since I was a kid and I've been working alongside him as thanks. If not me, I could ask him, they deal with a lot of missing persons cases.” Still unsure about his proposal, Shuichi shot Rantaro a smile, and once again patiently waited for his reply.

“I couldn’t ask you to do that. I mean it’s my fault it happened. I should do it on my own” he finally replied. Though disappointed, Shuichi wasn’t about to give up

“There’s nothing wrong with getting help, and besides I want to help you. I can't imagine the turmoil of looking for people for years on your own. Please,, l-let me help.” if he was turned down this time he’d be sure to stop, but to his surprise Rantaro agreed.

“Fine. Okay. I’d love it if you could help with some stuff, but it takes a lot of going from one place to another and traveling is dangerous, I don’t know if i want you to get hurt”

He looked saddened, probably reminiscing on years of traveling back and forth, most likely spent in complete solitude. Not that he had anyone to invite.

The thought of Rantaro standing on the dock of his boat (he mentioned it was his favorite way of travel) in the middle of the night, watching waves crash against each other silently, probably wondering what his efforts are even for, grabbed Shuichi's gut and twisted it in all sorts of ways.

“I don’t have much money but I’ll come. don’t worry about.. endangering me”

“I’d pay”

“I can’t let you do that”

“Please, it’s the least I can do”

“...okay, fine”

With a couple of shared smiles and a handshake, a deal was made. a bond formed between them, the basis of it not so positive, more painful than anything, but a bond nonetheless. On this cold November evening, sat in a shitty park, lacking a hoodie to keep his body covered, Shuichi was kept warm by the blush that crept its way from his face down his body.

The walk back was cold. the sun was setting. It’s edges peeking out from above the horizon, turning the sky all shades of orange, pink, and purple. The park they’d gone to was a bit far from Shuichi's place but he didn’t mind.

The rest of the evening sped by. Greeting his aunt, going up to his room and putting the finishing touches on the assignment. Before he knew it the sky was pitch black and the single streetlight outside his window had turned on.

He messaged Rantaro to double check the final product. After receiving confirmation that everything looked good, Shuichi finally breathed in some relief. The project was finished, break was almost here, and he’d finally been able to make a friend on his own.


	3. future's promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi hates school projects.

With two weeks to spare before break, the class had to present their projects, obviously. Can't let them off easy, just turning it in silently would be no fun. Instead, you have to deal with the consequences of things your brain doesn’t even register half the time, like a natural stutter that loses you points because the school system hates you just that much.

Shuichi wanted some time to practice, so he skipped out on lunch when he realized Rantaro wasn’t there, and went out looking for him. Roaming empty halls while the noise from the cafeteria fades into the background is a feeling Shuichi is quite used to. Slipping out of the lunch room to escape the crowded atmosphere that made you feel suffocated even with 3 feet of space between each table was nothing new. 

Turning a corner into the hall filled with lockers, Shuichi finally spotted that familiar mop of green hair, as soft looking as ever, and next to him...Kaede?

Shuichi and Kaede had been friends since the first year of middle school. They met on the playground when she stuck up for him. Technically, they’d be considered best friends, but Shuichi constantly wondered just how much they actually have in common. Is there something he’s missing or is it that the more time you spend with someone the more you get used to the routine. You just kind of expect them to be there, when really you have no reason to.

Which is how their relationship was. They’d spend time together, hang out at each other’s houses, they knew each other’s families, and shared advice and secrets. But they were also pretty different when it came to interests, goals, music tastes, and even appearances.

She screamed bright and bubbly. From the blond hair to the wardrobe of endless pastels. She walked and talked loud and proud. Though most of it was a facade too. Shuichi knew, he’d been told plus he noticed anyways, that she was trying to repel negative thoughts with an ever-present positive attitude. The complete opposite of Shuichi's “gloomy” look as everyone had described it.

He had to give her credit though, she’s helped a lot with his confidence. Shuichi used to be a lot worse off in middle school, but Kaede’s attitude really helped keep him afloat.

The blonde loves to note that she’s grateful for Shuichi too. He's been the only person to really care for her passion for piano even if he didn’t understand it. He'd listen to her ramble about everything from classics to underrated pianists to techniques, and made sure he listened intently whenever she’d send him songs, imagining how Kaede felt playing them.

After hearing her play for the first time, he understood her love for it. There is something irreplaceable about the tune of a piano and the way it makes you feel.

Regardless, in all their years of knowing each other, how long has it been now? 7 years? He’s never seen her interact with Rantaro. The two of them strictly stick to their little friend group, even with how outgoing and friendly Kaede is.

Her energy isn’t always welcomed by others, so despite her happy go lucky attitude, she’s just like Shuichi in the sense that she hasn't scored many friends. 

When he comes close enough he hears a sound bite of their conversation,

“Are you flirting with me?” Kaede asks, punctuated by a laugh.

Shuichi doesn’t know what prompted this question and he suddenly feels like he’s interrupting something. But Rantaro simply laughs back, rubbing his neck nervously,

“No no nothing like that, I can see why you’d think that but I’m not” he says it like he’s said it a million times before. It almost feels rehearsed, but that’s just natural for phrases you encounter often. With his reputation it makes sense, and Shuichi wonders if it makes him feel shitty.

He doesn’t have long to dwell on it, since Rantaro looks up from his conversation at Kaede's, and also Shuichi’s, locker and locks eyes with him. Their lockers are conveniently next to each other so it’s not that weird he’s here. But once again, it feels like he’s walked in on something.

“Oh Shuichi” this gets Kaede’s attention instantly, and she turns her head in his direction, swiftly closing her locker in the process.

“Shuichi !! Hey !! Rantaro and I were gonna have lunch outside, what’re you doing out here?”

His favorite thing about being friends with Kaede is how straightforward she is, answering questions she knows he has, but never even asked. Like what they’re doing together. He's thankful for that, since it’d be a bit awkward to interrogate them after that interaction. But it’s still weird, when did they get all buddy buddy?

“I-um.. I came out to look for rantaro actually-“  
he pauses, making brief eye contact “-hi by the way” he tacks on at the end.

If Rantaro thinks this conversation is awkward he doesn’t let it show, another thing he’s thankful for. Maybe he should start making a list of those, therapists seem to go nuts for them.

When Rantaro invites Shuichi to have lunch with the two of them, he agrees and they make their way out the side doors.

Usually you’d get in trouble for traveling outside the building without notifying staff, but their lockers are at the far end of the school, not even located near a classroom, so there’d be no reason for a teacher to be roaming the halls when they’ve got a filled cafeteria to deal with.

Not one of them are trouble makers, but thanks to Shuichi's stellar deduction, he came to the conclusion that all of them preferred their peace to the busy atmosphere.

Kaede and Rantaro make small talk, entirely forgetting Shuichi's comment about looking for rantaro. They talk about things from piano to other music, to conspiracy theories (somehow?) and Shuichi just stays quiet.

That classic timid nature of his. Who here is shocked. The topic drifts to Kaede’s nails, which are a light lavender with music notes on the ring fingers. Shuichi knows she does them herself, which is impressive in itself but he’s noted that her right hand somehow turns out better than the left, despite her being right handed.

For the first time in 15 minutes, he’s spoken to, when Kaede directs her attention to Shuichi with a hearty laugh.

“You know earlier Rantaro came up to me to compliment my nails, and he grabbed my hand to look at them, I totally thought he was flirting”

She didn’t mean it in a teasing way, but it still made Rantaro tense up in embarrassment, which he tried to laugh off.

“Sorry for grabbing your hand like that, totally not cool, I used to do nails, just thought they were nice sorry!” he laughs again, this time not grabbing the back of his neck, but the temptation was evident.

Shuichi's stomach growls very quietly, shoutout to that. He hadn’t eaten anything, didn’t even bother purchasing a snack, which he was definitely paying for at this moment. Stuffing his hunger pangs down, he listened to his two friends make more casual conversation.

“You did nails? for who? a girlfriend?” Kaede wondered in a teasing tone, one eyebrow quirking to accompany the smirk on her face.

“No not a girlfriend just family, I’ve never had a girlfriend, I dunno why that’s everyone’s first assumption”

shuichi watched as the smirk on the blonde’s face faded and bled into a tiny bit of remorse.

“Oh sorry! I didn't mean it like that, I don't believe the rumors or anything, but really no girlfriend?”

Kaede was as much, if not more, of a curious person as Shuichi was, but the thing that differentiated them was how not afraid she was to question Rantaro like he’d wanted to.

They had a bit of back and forth banter with Rantaro explaining that he’d never been too interested in the idea and Kaede teasing him about it.

On that note, lunch ended, and Shuichi still hadn’t said a word, which meant he didn’t get a second of practice in. He could already feel the breaks in his voice and the stutters over simple sentences in the back of his throat. With neither of them to blame, Shuichi opted for his go-to, getting down on himself for not saying what’s on his mind. Running away from the simplest of topics that never required avoidance, but the thought of bringing up their presentation when they were making such nice friendly conversation felt wrong, like he was bothering or ruining the mood.  
Anxiety was going to be the death of him in all aspects of life. The bell rang to signal the start of 5th period, a hoodie was thrown on for warmth, and Shuichi begrudgingly made his way to the science room.

He spotted Rantaro almost immediately, he was sitting at their designated lab table idly scrolling on his phone. You'd think he’d be immediately noticeable except shuichi ended up going to school with some of the most eccentric and unique characters, you’d never guess this was a regular high school class.

Shuichi made his way over and greeted Rantaro even though they’d just seen each other a minute ago. He looked up right away and had a guilty look on his face

“Ah Shuichi I was waiting for you, I realized you probably wanted to rehearse the presentation during lunch, I’m sorry we didn’t get to”

You could tell he genuinely felt bad but there was no point mulling over it now “n-no its okay it’s not your fault, we’ll get through it” shuichi was reassuring himself more than he was Rantaro in this situation, since one of them had a stuttering problem and one didn’t.

The second bell rang and the room went quiet. What was usually the chirping of birds outside the window was now replaced by more silence.

To spare you the painful details, Shuichi and Rantaro’s group were picked to go second. Shuichi began the presentation and ended up nervously stuttering. Kokichi started snickering from the back of class and Miu joined alongside him.

At this point Rantaro had to take over and finish it up. The teacher seemed unimpressed but not surprised, which probably meant that once again he’d do averagely on an assignment purely based on his stutter. Fantastic.

Now that that was over Shuichi had his head firmly placed on his desk in defeat. His arms hung loosely by his sides and Rantaro sat straight in front of him. They were meant to be listening to Miu’s presentation titled “beautiful girl genius changes the world with her amazing invention” but he simply couldn’t care less right now.

Shuichi groaned into the desk only loud enough for Rantaro to hear, to which he winced, moving the desk as he shifted in his seat.

“Hey Shuichi it’s okay, don’t worry about it too much” he whispered. Usually his casual attitude would cheer Shuichi up, but after years of having the same problem he was more than just a little fed up with it. 

“I’m taking a gap year after high school I’ve had enough of this”  
Shuichi groaned again, moving his face so that his cheek lay on the desk instead of his forehead. Thankfully he had plenty of hair to cover up the red mark probably forming on his face.

“I think that’d be good, you can come travel with me during your gap year,” he suggested, and for the first time, Shuichi broke out into a small smile. It was mostly to himself, since Rantaro couldn't even see his face, but the thought helped lighten the mood. He'd be able to travel from country to country by boat, helping out a friend. Maybe he could finally make his one single skill useful without losing sleep.

It was obviously not for vacation purposes but he’d be able to see new places and grow closer with Rantaro in the meantime. Something about it gave him an ounce of relief, that his monotonous daily routine accompanied by self loathing could take a breather for once. Hopefully.

“Thanks” is all that he could say. The bell rang once again, and students shuffled out of class, leaving the two of them behind. Shuichi looked up from his position on the desk’s surface and smiled at Rantaro, who in turn, had genuinely smiled back.


	4. cracked homes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another family situation based hurt/comfort chapter. This time they both have issues.  
> Shuichi's relationship with his uncle and Rantaro's family backstory and dynamic are both entirely based off of headcanons.

The next two weeks felt.. weird. Shuichi is the kind of guy to work on routine, as much as he hates it. He hates repetition yet it’s the most comfortable way of doing things.

And once you get used to seeing someone every day for a month and a half you feel a little off put by the silence of your walk home, the one that hadn’t changed, but now instead of setting out to the library, Shuichi gets to sink into his bed and pick up a novel like he did before the project was assigned.

He was back to the same old wake up cold, go to school, eat lunch with Kaede, new addition of saying hi to Rantaro in science, make it through the rest of the day and go home. And eventually he’d stopped counting the days, and let the weeks pass by like a gust of wind.

Which meant winter break was finally upon them, and with one last goodbye and a happy holidays to his friends Shuichi headed home.

His aunt and uncle worked quite frequently these days, attempting to pick up slack and make some extra cash in case of emergencies. They used to spend a lot of time with Shuichi when he was young, providing him with support and showering him in attention.

But as he grew older this treatment slowly faded into fleeting hugs and simple greetings after school or work. They never stopped loving him, but felt as though he was too old for the treatment they’d given him in the past.

This meant that Shuichi was now completely alone for the holidays. Outside of the evenings where both of his family members came home late and ate the dinner Shuichi prepared before going to bed right away. With constantly being home alone came a certain melancholy.

One that forced emotions out of Shuichi that he didn’t want to relive. Once he starts thinking it’s like the gears in his head begin taking sharp turns left and right, and most often end up landing on his parents. A sore subject but one he’d gotten used to never being accompanied by good memories.

It’s not necessarily the heart throbbing story of parental abandonment you’d see in movies or read about in books, it was simply a part of his life as bitter as he might be about it.

His father is a famous actor, and his mother is a screenwriter. Both far more popular overseas where they live. They'd left when he was young and asked Shuichi's uncle and his wife to take care of him. That’d be all well and good if they didn’t promise to stay in touch and just abandoned him with no strings attached. Then there’d be no additional reason for Shuichi to be disappointed.

Instead they promised to stay in contact and send him presents, something that stopped happening soon after Shuichi's 8th birthday. They might’ve gotten too busy, but for Shuichi it just felt like they got tired and realized he wasn’t worth the trouble. He was 17 now, so it’s been quite a while since he’d last heard from them. In fact it’s been a while since any of them heard from the Saihara’s.

They were doing well of course, as famous as ever. On occasion, Shuichi and his uncle would sit down and watch a movie or two of theirs. One that his father starred in or perhaps one his mother wrote. His uncle would tell him stories from their childhoods, as well as the story of his parents’ first meetings, first dates, their wedding, etc.

At first, it gave him a warm feeling. it had served as a connection between them. A bridge that healed the gap that the distance created, but as everything eventually does, it made him feel more numb than anything.

The space between him and his parents grew wider, and became something even a bridge could not carry them across. They felt more like strangers than family and he hated the way his heart still hoped for a call or a gift every time his birthday came around.

He’d keep eyes on the mailbox and stare at the portrait of him as a child that stood on the shelf in the living room. It always threw him back to the past, one where he believed their disappearance would be temporary. He knew better now though. If they’d wanted him around they could’ve simply flown him there. But they never did.

He’d never tell anyone, but he always wondered, when was it that they stopped loving him?

In order to shake the sinking feeling in his stomach, Shuichi decided to throw on a coat and a warm winter hat and trudge up the street to the park he’d spent so much time in. His footsteps created echoing crunching sounds from the fresh snow that piled up on the ground, and left a trail of footprints behind him.

Thankfully it wouldn’t be a long walk, as his legs began to register the cold more and more with each step that he forced to carry him forward.

He stood face to face with the tree that held a single wooden swing, tied to the outstretched branch. He took his place on the swing and watched for however long as the sun began setting.

Without his phone to tell him what time it was, he was going purely based on instinct and context clues that it was nearing 8 pm by the time that he finally got up. His body was shaking. Ears, nose, and cheeks glowing red from the December cold. His breath created visible puffs of air in front of his face as he walked back to his home.

By the time he made it back and reached the front door, it was almost entirely dark outside. He wasn’t allowed to be out so late, but when he returned to an empty house he knew no consequences would be dealt with. One of the only pluses to having inattentive guardians.

Shuichi slowly made his way back to his room, shrugging off his coat, still cold and uncomfortable to hold, and bundled up in bed. The only thing left to do was to read before his eyelids felt all too heavy, and he was met with the outstretched arms of slumber, inviting him in.

The last thing he wanted to wake up to was his uncle asking him about future plans. or being asked about future plans in general. But in the random dice rolls of life, you’re bound to land on a 1 once in a while.

This morning Shuichi woke up early. Startled awake by just how cold his room was. Not even the thick blanket he lay under was enough to trap heat and warm his body. Once he stumbled out of bed and increased the heat in his room, he made his way downstairs.

Once in a while he’d avoid brushing his teeth due to lack of general motivation, and today happens to be one of those days. He could not be bothered to do anything but say good morning to his uncle before work and then make his way right back up to his room and to sleep once more.

Unfortunately, things aren’t always that simple. Shuichi could tell his uncle wasn’t in a good mood the second he’d make eye contact with him. He looked worn out, sporting heavy eye bags, and sighing often. Shuichi assumed it was the result of a bad case that turned into a bad night of sleep that led them to the present in which he was sipping at his coffee as if the last place he wanted to be was in his own living room.

“G-good morning” Shuichi told him, as he was already in the living room. He knew avoiding him was impossible at this point.

Rather than returning the greeting, his uncle gestured for him to sit down without even sparing him a glance. Nervously, Shuichi shuffled over to the couch and sat across from his uncle, waiting patiently for him to begin speaking.

“Shuichi.. it is only a couple months out of your graduation, and the agency is getting more and more busy, we need our genius teen detective. Do you know what you’re going to do after high school?” he had finally looked up, his intentions were usually painted clear on his face, but this time Shuichi could not figure out what answer would disappoint him least.

He decided it would be best to go with the most honest approach, and began a long winded explanation of his plans

“O-oh well a-actually, I was planning to maybe.. go to college, study criminal justice and help out more at the agency.. b-but um-“ he paused to collect his thoughts. He wanted to run as far away as possible, to never acknowledge a life past high school again.

His greatest wish was to be able to relax, and finally recover from the bitter disappointment and stress that often comes with solving cases. As he paused between sentences, his uncle just looked at him, wondering where he was going after the “but”

“I’ve always felt.. o-obligated to help out, it was the least I could do after all. But I um.. I recently made a friend, who needs a lot of help in searching for someone, and I thought I would.. h-help him out” the words were tight in his throat, a certain fear of authority and parental figures had been nailed into his brain since an early age, so despite his uncle being a civil man most of the time, he still feared for his reaction.

This showed, so very obviously, as he was sweating, even though the morning was still freezing cold.

a slow, drawn out question fell from his lips “obligated?”

“H-huh?”

“You felt obligated? Have you not enjoyed working for me? You were simply doing me a favor?”

His uncle seemed almost.. offended at the implications, and Shuichi decided his stupid mouth had revealed too much about his feelings. Trying to come back from this when you have an upset, but very observant uncle was not going to be easy

“W-w-well I like working with you, it just started as.. me thanking you for taking care of me,,, but the type of work s-stresses me out sometimes a-and I thought some time away working on missing persons cases would help me enjoy detective work more” he didn’t know what else to say, he’d hurt his uncle’s feelings and trying to go back on his word has never worked, so he strapped in for the uncomfortable ride that await him beyond the gates of honesty.

“I see. so you *were* just doing me a favor, and here I thought of giving you the title of detective instead of just apprentice. Maybe you’re right. Feel free to take some time off, help your friend”

His uncle had finished speaking, and rose to his feet. It was past the time he’d usually leave for work, so he grabbed his bag and headed out the door without letting Shuichi have any last words. The air hung thick with disappointment and Shuichi hated the ways it twisted his gut. His uncle was supportive, but saddened by Shuichi's lack of interest in detective work, something that had been his uncle's passion his whole life.

He hated the atmosphere of his home right now, it felt suffocating, and he needed to leave. It may be small, insignificant even, to others, but disappointing people was one of shuichi's biggest fears. He was very sensitive to it and it freaked him out.

Unfortunately the park would be too cold. Spending an extended period of time there would turn his insides into popsicles, and his friends had all left for the holidays. Some for trips, some to visit extended family. They were all away, except one. Rantaro. He mentioned he had nowhere to go and no one but his dad to spend the holidays with, so he’d be staying home.

Shuichi had never been to Rantaro’s place, doesn’t even know what side of town he lives on, but he needed to get away and see somebody. Anybody. Hesitantly, Shuichi fished his phone out of his pocket and found Rantaro’s contact.

Before he could second guess himself more than he already was, Shuichi pressed the call button and continued walking in the direction of the street, lacking any real destination. He'd thrown on his coat and left his house soon after his uncle left for work. The sooner he was out the better.

Two rings later, Rantaro picked up, barely giving Shuichi any time to consider hanging up and turning his phone off entirely.

“Shuichi? Hey, what’s up? Did you need something?” at least Rantaro’s voice was as peppy as usual. Hopefully Shuichi wasn’t ruining his day by calling, but all he could do was hope that was the case as he started speaking. Shuichi tried his best to avoid stumbling over his words, but the chattering of his teeth and the knot in his throat proved to be great obstacles.

“H-hey Rantaro.. I’m sorry for calling so randomly but..can I come over? I really need to s-see someone, and everyone’s away. I know your house is off limits but-“

“Yeah sure, it’s okay. I can send you my address. You can explain when you get here. If you want.”

Caught off guard would be an understatement to how Shuichi's feeling as a result of his very clear and relaxed invitation. He was so relieved he was welcome, but so anxious that it was just Rantaro’s need to make everyone happy shining through. Nonetheless, he was grateful he had somewhere to go and wouldn’t have to either freeze or go back and let the deafening silence of his home swallow him whole.

“Right t-thank you. It means a lot. I’ll explain when I get there”

“See you soon. Safe travels”

Rantaro hung up after he wished him farewell, and not even 10 seconds later, a text message with an address appeared on Shuichi's screen. It was quite a ways away, his home apparently being situated all the way across town and all, but Shuichi made his way there regardless. His feet carrying him as fast as they could.

By the time he reached Rantaro’s place, Shuichi's hands and feet were numb, and breathing was starting to get more and more difficult. He had to triple check the address he memorized on the way when he came face to face with a massive home surrounded by a tall fence.

A sign that read “private property” stood right by the fence gate, partially covered in fresh snow. A number pad hung on the gate near the handle. Shuichi never got a code so he just waited. His phone died on the way here so he had no way of notifying Rantaro or his arrival.

Thankfully, it wasn’t too long until Rantaro most likely saw him out of the window and made his way down the walkway leading from his house to the gate in nothing but a loose long sleeve.

“Wh-Shuichi? How long have you been waiting? Did you walk here?”

Rantaro punched in the code for the gate, each press of a button made a small beeping noise until it clicked open and Shuichi was able to walk in. His teeth were chattering way too much so all he could do was weakly nod in Rantaro’s direction to acknowledge his question. He looked at him for a moment, with a mixture of sympathy and pity, and gestured for him to follow.

Once they’d made it to the front door, which was huge, the hot air from the inside hit Shuichi all at once and like an ice cube on the counter, he started melting.

“Ah h-hi sorry, too cold couldn’t talk” Shuichi explained, and Rantaro just laughed. He went ahead and disappeared out of sight, leaving Shuichi in the white expanse of the entrance hall of Rantaro’s massive house.

A chandelier hung from the ceiling, clear with fake candles perched on top for decoration. A mirror was situated on top of a large shelf to the side. In it, Shuichi could see the aggressive red of his nose and his cheeks. It stood out against the pale tone of his skin.

From the entrance hall, the living room could be seen. It was also pretty large and spacious, but contained little furniture. Only a couple sofas stood side by side, a glass coffee table with some magazines and a map in the middle, and a wide television on the far wall that pointed at the sofas. 

An electric fire place was situated on the opposite wall, and it was currently on. Shuichi guessed it was most likely the reason it was so hot in here. On the floor was a fluffy white carpet, and the back wall was made up of two large windows that showed the vast backyard, currently snowed over, and the water of the ocean that touched the edge of the town. Rantaro went left from the hall, and Shuichi followed suit once he had taken his shoes off, thoroughly wet from the walk.

Once he’d turned left, Shuichi was met with the kitchen. Not as spacious as the living room, but still 3 times larger than the one in his house. It had many white cabinets lining the walls, and a marble island in the middle with stools and an additional sink to the one near the fridge. And there stood Rantaro, heating up some water on the stove.

“I’m making you some tea I hope that’s okay, have a seat anywhere”

Rantaro told his friend, only glancing at him when he heard the footsteps turn into the kitchen.

Shuichi decided to situate himself on one of the stools on the side of the kitchen island that faced the living room, so he could look at Rantaro without being too close to him. He was still fidgety and uncomfortable, but the heavy feeling in his heart had slowly gone away during the walk. The only thing he was able to focus on was the temperature of his body and seeing Rantaro again.

It's been a couple days since break started, so they hadn’t seen each other, only texted once or twice when Rantaro told him he’d checked out the show he mentioned off hand during lunch, and that he enjoyed it.

Now, sitting in his home, Shuichi was less nervous than he thought he would be, but still far more on edge than any normal person. He began staring into space, which was only interrupted by the sound of a mug being placed in front of him, and the scratch of the stool sat opposite Shuichi as Rantaro made himself comfortable too.

Well, as comfortable as he could be, despite this being his home. He still had no clue why Shuichi randomly asked to come over as if he was running away from something.

“It’s chamomile.”

“Thank you,” Shuichi said, before taking a sip. Tea for relaxation huh, the nerves must’ve shown on his face.

Rantaro sat quietly, waiting for either an explanation or any sign of taking back his earlier words about explaining. He'd be fine with either one, but he wanted to know what Shuichi intended to do. He didn’t have to wait long, as his shivering friend began speaking. More clear than he was on the phone, which was a good sign.

“I did walk here. My aunt and uncle are both at work so I had to. I um... I had a-“

Shuichi paused to take another sip and recollect his thoughts

“- I wouldn’t call it a fight, but I really disappointed my uncle today, and it made me feel sick. He asked what I wanted to do after high school and I told him about my plans to take a gap year and help you out.. a-and he wasn’t.. mad? He was just disappointed because I told him I didn't actually like detective work as much as he thought I did. He loves it so much and he was hurt that I didn't share that passion..so I got sad a-and left. I'm sorry for imposing” after his long winded explanation, Shuichi looked both relieved and increasingly more anxious than before.

“You don’t like detective work?”

Rantaro immediately regretted his decision to ask, as Shuichi almost visibly flinched, but opened his mouth to answer nonetheless

“not really... it’s a long story though”

“I have time”

“A-ah okay I guess well...it started when my parents left to go overseas for their jobs and left me with my uncle. And when I was old enough to go with him, he’d take me to his job and let me help with cases. I was almost naturally good at it, but I hated the way solving mysteries made me feel. Uncovering the truth meant someone was going to be hurt, no matter what I did. And plus, I could never prevent it, I was just some guy that got there too late to help anyone. We mostly solved murder cases too, and one time.. one time the guy we caught, h-he turned out to have killed for his family. He killed someone that was abusing them, and he hated me. He hated me Rantaro! i-i-i could see the anger in his eyes, it killed me. I haven’t.. I haven’t really enjoyed doing work there since, and I can’t even look people in the eye anymore-“

He sighed heavily and took another drink from the mug that had been warming his hands while he was talking, more like rambling really. 

“-I told him.. I felt obligated to help, since he took care of me, and he was really hurt by that and left without another word.. so I ran away.. the end” punctuated by a pained laugh, Shuichi's story came to an end.

Rantaro wasn’t really sure what he could say to make him feel better. All the responses he’d been coming up with felt all wrong, and far too shallow. The tea seemed to help at least, or maybe it was letting it all out that finally made Shuichi relax. His shoulders slumped and his eyebrows returned to their normal position, no longer knotted together.

Rantaro had to take a shot in the dark and hope that he doesn’t say the wrong thing.

“Thank you for telling me, you’re always welcome to come over and talk to me if something like that happens again”

Turns out his random shot in the dark was exactly what Shuichi needed to hear, he didn’t want pity, or a solution, he’d have to resolve this on his own, he just wanted comfort and a place to let it all out. He smiled softly, more pointed at the tea cup than at Rantaro, but it made the green haired teen smile as a result.

“I thought your house was off limits?” the question was asked in a lighthearted tone, but the underlying worry buried deep under still shined brightly. This was Shuichi after all, man of a million worries. 

“I said that because I uh.. well truthfully I didn’t want you to meet my dad or his million girlfriends. It’d be kinda.. weird? And probably not the best place to do our project haha”

This conversation was turning out to be one pained laugh after another, heavy topics covered lightly in casual tones in attempts to ease the discomfort of their second ever serious conversation.

They hadn’t known each other too long, only a couple months, but Rantaro still felt like he could at least get things out there without receiving backlash like he had before. Shuichi was in his home, he’d ogled at his kitchen and living room, which was expected, but didn’t comment on it, or the neighborhood.

He wasn’t going to ask to come over and attempt to steal, or pry money out of Rantaro like other people had tried to in the past. He was there because he needed a friend right now, and Rantaro had to throw any doubts into the wind and do his best. Shuichi supported him and offered his help first, so it was only fair.

“So is he not home?”

“Not right now, went out somewhere”

Shuichi moved awkwardly in his seat, the knowledge of being home alone probably didn’t make him too relaxed, but Rantaro knew it’d be a lot worse if his dad was here. He'd ask too many questions about unnecessary things, and Shuichi would never wanna come back.

Or maybe he would, Rantaro wasn’t fully sure what kind of person Shuichi was yet. But something he mentioned earlier stuck with him, and for once he felt like he was in Shuichi's shoes, wanting to pry open someone’s thoughts and understand who they are and why.

“If you don’t mind me asking, you said your parents work overseas?”

the teen, who Rantaro realized wasn’t wearing his usual baseball cap and as a result was forced to make more eye contact than usual, was surprised by the question.

Shuichi trusted him though, he’d already told him so much, the only things left to hide were his relationship with his parents and the pool of self pity and negative thoughts he was carrying around, but that’s for another day.

“Oh uh right yeah my dad is an actor, and my mom is a screenwriter, so they both work on movies over..seas” the tail end of his sentence ended up being drawn out and quiet, as Shuichi heard the jingling of keys and footsteps coming from the entrance hall.

Those footsteps began getting closer until they rounded the corner into the kitchen where the two boys still sat. 

“Rantaro! Sweetie, where are- do we have guests? I saw another pair of- OH! hello!”

A woman came into view, her eyes immediately landing on Shuichi, she was wearing a furry winter coat and carrying multiple bags from various grocery stores. Rantaro sighed and stood up, grabbing the bags out of her hands and placing them on the counter

He gave Shuichi a look that somehow mixed annoyance and an apology. He was obviously not annoyed at Shuichi himself, rather at the intrusion on their conversation, but wasn’t able to entirely erase the look on his face before shooting Shuichi an apologetic glance.

“This is Shuichi, I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t a planned visit, and I told you not to call me that”

She laughed and started taking the groceries out of their bags. It was weird, seeing rantaro being almost.. cold to someone. It probably had something to do with his dad's “million girlfriends” despite the fact that she called him sweetie, they didn’t seem close at all. Like two strangers forced to share the same house and get along.

It wasn’t until she had finished putting away food to their rightful places, that the woman turned to Shuichi again. She shot him a warm smile and leaned on the counter. 

“Soo Shuichi! How do you guys know each other?” the woman placed her head in the palm of her hand, waiting. 

“o-oh! uh from cla-“

“From school, we’re going up to my room, tell dad he’s here or don’t, up to you”

Rantaro had interrupted their conversation and made his way out of the kitchen towards the stairs so Shuichi politely excused himself, flashing her an apologetic smile and followed him up the long stairs.

When they’d made it up to the second floor, they were met with a hallway containing many doors. Some open, some not. Judging by the fact that Rantaro walked past them all, Shuichi could assume his room was at the far end. And he was correct. Rantaro pushed a door on the far left end of the hallway open and gestured for his friend to come inside.

His room was spacious too, which didn’t come as any sort of surprise. The atmosphere inside was comfortable, the window’s curtains were partially shut and outside was a balcony that overlooked the ocean that Shuichi saw downstairs.

Unsurprisingly, maps with pins and drawn circles were hung up on the walls. A bookshelf containing books, photos, notebooks, and various knick knacks from, Shuichi assumed, the places he’d been while traveling, stood in the right corner. There was a TV on the wall, and a very comfortable looking bean bag chair on the floor in front of it. All in all, seems like a really nice place to spend time.

Rantaro flopped onto his bed, which stood to the right of the door, where Shuichi still was. He watched as Rantaro placed the two bottles of water he grabbed earlier and placed them on the nightstand, and dragged his hands down his face slowly, sighing heavily.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, I didn’t know she’d be back so soon”

He sat back up, remaining in a slouched position. This was weird, again, how different he was at home. there's probably more to his outside persona than meets the eye, but that’s okay. Shuichi would still like Rantaro either way. He was a nice guy. A persona can’t take away somebody’s whole personality. He was most likely just uncomfortable in situations related to his family.

“it’s okay-“ Shuichi started while sitting down on the very edge of the bed “-you mentioned your dads “million girlfriends” is that.. is that one of them?”

Rantaro laughed hard at the way his friend just shamelessly asked questions now that they’ve gotten acquainted, that guy was really silly. He'd felt so bad about basically airing out his dirty laundry to him, but it seems he didn’t care to judge the same way people usually would.

Rantaro turned to him and smiled lazily, then let his head flop down in front of him as he sat. His hair fell from its usual place and bounced lightly as he moved his head side to side gently.

“Ah wouldn't that be so simple. No she’s his wife”

“h-HUH?”

He laughed again at Shuichi's pure shock

“Yeahhh, but he goes around and flirts with a million other women though. Sometimes he brings them home, sometimes he doesn’t. She knows about it, and excuses it like it’s no big deal. That's why I kinda.. I don’t know, I don't really like her. She acts like my mom and enables him like there’s not a problem in the world.”

Shuichi stayed silent as he thought to himself. Today was just bound to be full of heavy moments, feelings that were previously hidden away being revealed, cold hands, warm chamomile teas, cracked masks, and broken families huh?

“Where is your mom?”

“Straight forward aren’t you?-“ Rantaro lifted his head briefly to eye Shuichi, who had gotten into a full sitting position on Rantaro’s bed, facing him. “-I dunno honestly. One day she was here, the next she wasn’t. Probably had something to do with him sleeping around. Not even 6 months later he married again, but keeps doing the same old shit” a brief “ugh” could be heard escaping Rantaro’s mouth and his confession hung heavy.

Shuichi wasn’t expecting that. Though how much he seems to hate people assuming he'd be a womanizer, it would make sense for that hatred to come from somewhere. Maybe it even had something to do with Rantaro never finding interest in having a girlfriend. Not that that was Shuichi's business.

“Is that why you hate people thinking you’re a womanizer?” they were on a roll, might as well get all the heavy shit out there. Both of them seemed in desperate need of a good venting session.

“Yep” he said, making the ‘p’ pop. “I hate it, I’m nothing like that guy. I have no idea where people got the idea that I sleep around at all? Do I even look like that kind of guy?”

Rantaro’s frustration was bubbling, he eventually lifted his head and looked at Shuichi, who was listening intently.

Rantaro hated himself for just talking about this. He was meant to trust no one. Especially not with personal information. What was it about Shuichi that made him want to spill his guts? It was uncomfortable, maybe even a little scary, trusting someone with the details of your personal life. Vulnerability was not his strong suit. Plus you can never know what they’ll do with it.

Shuichi though, he had nothing planned. No ulterior motives, no betrayal plan, no malicious intent. He was speaking to Rantaro as one hurt guy to another.

“You don’t”

“Huh?”

“You don’t look like the kinda guy who’d sleep around. Not to me.-“ Shuichi started, a barely noticeable smile on his face “-you may be closed off, but you’re earnest, and smart, and really hard working. I've never met anyone who could put as much effort into searching the globe for someone. People don’t know what they’re talking about.”

It was honestly heartwarming, yet embarrassing, having Shuichi list things off like that. He'd put Rantaro in the spotlight and told him things he’d never heard anyone else say about him. Opinions of him always varied between “weird guy” and “womanizer” but never earnest, or hard working. His determination to find his sisters finally wasn’t seen as laughable, or unattainable. A warm feeling bloomed in his chest. Something like gratitude. Comfort.

“Haha thanks man! That’s really embarrassing to hear, but I appreciate it” he responded, oh so humbly and they just stared at each other, ghosts of smiles on their lips.


	5. coming to terms with a change of plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He goes home and has an actual talk with his uncle. Give him a pat on the back everyone.

They spent some time hanging out. Moving on to subjects that were less heavy, and laughed till the sun began setting. It was almost dark out, and Shuichi still hadn’t charged his phone. He probably had many pending messages from his aunt, maybe his uncle too, asking where he was.

“I.. uh I should probably go, it’s getting late. Thanks for letting me come over”

“Anytime”

They both stood up and made their way out the door. Shuichi picked up the coat and hat he’d haphazardly thrown on Rantaro’s desk chair, and trailed behind him.

“You know you should try to stop wearing your hat. The baseball cap I mean. Maybe it could help you face some of your fears.” he suggested, as they made their way to the hallway they came in from. 

“I don’t know. It’s like a comfort item. It would be weird having to make eye contact all of a sudden” Shuichi explained.

“That’s understandable. You don’t have to, but at least think about it”

“Sure” Shuichi looked down at his feet as he walked, watching them carry him along. Once they reached the stairs he looked up and was met with Rantaro’s back. He stopped short before making his way down. 

“Oh also let me give you a ride home” he offered

“I thought you hated cars?”

“I could make an exception”

Shuichi looked at him, hesitant. If he was offering, then he should take him up on it. It was too dark and probably three times as cold outside now. He looked to his side, where Rantaro was now, walking down the stairs beside him, and gave him a nod.

As the boys were making their way to the front door, the sight of a tall man eating dinner in the kitchen made them stop short. Rantaro’s father, most likely, and his wife, who was cleaning up pots and pans after making dinner. They made clanging noises as they were placed side by side in the sink. Rantaro’s father looked up from his plate to make direct eye contact with Shuichi.

What was with his family members and making weirdly intense eye contact?

His whole body froze. He should’ve expected to come in contact with him at one point or another but right here right now was probably not the time.

It was his dad that spoke first, a heavy gaze on Shuichi, looking both at, and right through him. “Oh if it isn’t our esteemed guest! Who might you be?”

“Dad.” Rantaro said sternly. “Don’t start, he has to go”

As Rantaro spoke, his dad lifted himself from the stool, and began slowly walking over to where the two of them stood in the area between the kitchen and entrance hall.

“O-oh um..-“ shit he was sweating so bad “-I’m shuichi Saihara, I uh, I impulsively asked Rantaro to let me come over. I’m very sorry for the intrusion” he bowed slightly, and apologetically. Rantaro’s father stood bewildered at the display. And then he just laughed. He belted out a sound that came from deep within him, and it made Shuichi sweat ten times more.

“Relax son, what’re you bowing for? It’s fine that you’re here. I would just prefer a notice beforehand.” He said as he finally finished laughing at god knows what.

“Right of course! Thank you”

Rantaro was finally fed up with their small talk. Or maybe it was his father’s nature, who’s to tell, and grabbed Shuichi by the shoulders to steer him to the front door.

“Thanks for your hospitality dad, I’m gonna drive him home, It’s late and his uncle is probably worried”  
He declared as he was slipping on some shoes, and an actual winter coat.

“Drive? Aren’t you going to get motion sick sweetie?” his...stepmom? asked, peering her head out of the doorway.

“I’ll be fine. see you later” he said, while shutting the door behind them, not allowing his dad to interrogate either of them further. He would deal with that when he got home. 

The drive back obviously took less time than Shuichi’s walk here, but it was still enough time for an awkward silence to form in the air. Rantaro seemed almost too focused on the road. Whether it was because he was mulling over something or just trying really hard to get the motion sickness out of his body.

About half way through, his shoulders finally relaxed and he slumped back in the driver's seat. Shuichi noticed he’d shot a couple glances in his direction as if wanting to say something.

“What’s up? are you thinking about something”

“Ah you noticed huh? Sorry I just feel bad for the way I acted, and also that you had to meet my family”

As they came to a stop at a red light, Rantaro set his head down on the steering wheel with a small thud. He kept it there until the light switched to green and he was able to return to the slow pace of his drive.

“I-it’s okay I really didn’t mind.” He tried to relax and let his shoulders hit the leather covered seat behind him. The seatbelt was slightly digging into his stomach, and he sent the nervous driver next to him a reassuring smile when he noticed he was looking.

“If you’re sure”

All he did in response was nod before the realization hit him. It had been at least 8 hours since he left home. His phone was dead the whole time, so he didn’t get to notify his aunt or uncle about his whereabouts. He’d be surprised if they hadn’t started a search party for a missing kid by now. Or at least considered it.

To his luck, and thanks to his directions, Rantaro finally pulled up the road heading to his house. He could see both of them from a distance. Not many cars came by this way so their heads immediately shot to the car approaching their home, and they noticed Shuichi in the fogged up passenger window.

The second the car came to a stop, Shuichi hopped out of the door to both greet them and ease their nerves. His aunt quickly made her way towards him and wrapped her arms around his sides, squeezing.

“Shuichi dear where have you been? We’ve been so worried, we had no idea where you could’ve gone.”

She said as she pressed her face into his shoulder. It felt like she was on the verge of tears but it may have been too cold to actually squeeze any out.

His uncle was standing a couple steps behind, wearing a saddened look on his face, rather than a relieved one. There was one thing Shuichi knew for sure in this moment, avoiding a long conversation with both of them was out of the question.

He squeezed his aunt back in order to reassure her and explained that he felt the need to go out for a bit and ended up going to a friend’s house, that his phone died and he wasn’t able to tell them, and that he didn’t realize how much time had passed.

“S-so that’s what happened. I’m sorry I made you worry. also-“ he gestured behind him to Rantaro, who had stepped out of the car and was making his way to them. “-this is Rantaro. You haven’t met him before but he’s a friend from school.”

He waved gently in both of their directions. They seemed surprised by both his looks and his car, since it was a pretty expensive model. Shuichi knew next to nothing about cars but he could tell it wasn’t just a cheap rental.

His aunt let go of his shoulders to greet him. She was only wearing a light overcoat and shook pretty badly as she outstretched her hand. He met her half way and they smiled at one another.

“Hello dear, Shuichi never told us about you, so we are a bit surprised, but it's nice to meet you. Would it be okay to give you my number in case something like this happens again?”

“Of course ma’am, that’s no problem. Sorry for the trouble. But I should be heading home”

Rantaro smiled politely and started making his way back to the car once his aunt had given him her number.

“Oh-“ he turned around to add “-I’m Rantaro Amami, it was nice to meet you both!” and then he was hopping through the drivers side door and buckling his seatbelt, ready for the ride back. Shuichi signaled for him to wait a moment and he simply nodded in agreement. 

Once Shuichi briefly turned to his guardians, he told them he’d explain everything once they got in the house, and they should go ahead of him. His uncle still hadn’t said a word, or even greeted his friend, so Shuichi assumed he was pretty upset. That was going to be fun to deal with.

But nonetheless they made their way back. Once the door shut behind them, Shuichi jogged carefully to Rantaro’s car. He lowered the window so as to not have to unbuckle his seatbelt again, and titled his head to listen.

“Hey sorry about that, I forgot how long I was gone, so of course they’d be worried. Especially if I came back in an expensive car”

This forced a chuckle out of Rantaro and he smiled at him softly. “It's not a big deal, It’s only fair I meet your folks if you met mine.” he paused briefly “Why didn’t you tell them about me?”

It was meant to sound like a simple question, but the aftertaste was a bit sad, maybe slightly disappointed. Did Rantaro think he was ashamed of him or something?

“O-Oh! Well, because they’d immediately want you over, and they’re both even more nosy than me. Especially with new people. I didn't want them to bombard you with questions or anything. I’m sorry”

“Oh, I see, that makes sense. No big deal, tell them to invite me over some time though”

He punctuated the last bit with a tap to the side of his car door and as they nodded at one another with mutual agreement, he rolled his window back up to trap any hot air left inside, and drove off. Shuichi watched his car fade into the distance completely before making his way inside, where his aunt and uncle were still awaiting an explanation.

He sighed and stepped into the living room. Shaking off the coat he had on, he discarded his hat to the dresser in their hallway. His uncle was sitting on the far end of the couch, and his aunt was right by his side. They were having a quiet conversation that Shuichi couldn’t hear, but his uncle's face was turned away, avoiding eye contact with either of them.

Gently placing himself down on the footrest in front of them, Shuichi coughed. It was meant as a way to catch their attention but also he’s been needing to cough since he left Rantaro’s place.

Showing no sign of turning to face him, Shuichi’s uncle stayed put, the only change being the ever-present silence caused by their dwindling conversation. They sat there for what felt like forever, seconds passing accentuated by the ticking of the clock. Finally, he turned his head slowly to look at Shuichi, look him over and scope out any details, before finally breaking the silence.

“Listen, Shuichi. I don’t know if your leave was caused by what I said this morning, but I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left mid conversation without talking through things. Can we do that now?”

Taken aback by the apology, Shuichi nodded and took a big breath in and a small breath out. He was ready to talk, thanks to Rantaro’s company, his nerves weren’t prickling at his insides like they usually do in situations like this.

“Yeah, we can talk-“ he paused to smile at his uncle, trying to reassure both himself, and him as well “-it was because of what you said. I just needed some time away from home. I didn’t mean to worry you guys as much as I did. I also didn’t plan to stay so long, but we talked about a lot of things...” taking a breath, he gauged any reactions. So far his aunt looked a bit saddened, but his uncle's expression was neutral, expecting.

He was simply listening before responding. Shuichi appreciated his patience. He smiled to himself and continued. He explained how murder cases kept him up at night. and the way he doesn't enjoy those types of cases as much as he does other ones. Even though they are the bulk of their work.

He calmly told them he thought it would be nice to have a change in the routine. Shuichi told them about Rantaro’s missing family members overseas and how he would be traveling by boat alongside him in search of them. They seemed alarmed, questioning him about expenses and family details. They talked for what felt like a couple hours. But in the end only 45 minutes passed.

By the end of his long explanation, his guardians seemed to understand his wants and feelings. Though he wasn’t fully honest. With them, or Rantaro, or himself most days. He always told people he just didn’t enjoy murder cases but the truth is he didn’t see a point in being a detective in general.

He hated how useless he was to the people afflicted. He hated the way solving real life mysteries made him feel. He stayed up at night wondering what he could’ve done better, or what could’ve gone differently. He wonders why he couldn’t be somebody that prevents these incidents altogether rather than just putting pieces together after the tragic events already took place.

In the end, he was still good at it. It might just be the only thing he is good at. Putting together clues, solving puzzles, noticing details others might not. Shuichi was called a natural at the agency, and he instilled an expectation within himself that came with unimaginable fear that he couldn’t do anything else, since there were no other skills he was decent at.

Still, the idea of helping Rantaro made him feel happy, even glad to be a detective. Rather than being useless to the barrage of people that flooded his uncle's agency, he could support someone who’s had to do all this work alone.

Once he was back in his room, there was a feeling of relief that seeped its way into him. A weight off his shoulders. He finally flopped into bed, attaching his charger to his phone and placing it on his night stand. Shuichi stared at the ceiling, containing remnants of glow in the dark stars, some of which fell off long ago.

A ding echoed through the silent room, followed by dozens of other notifications. Missed calls and an endless stream of texts appeared one after another. His aunt and uncle were far more worried than they acted when he got back. Their texts were panicked and pleading for him to come home. Guilt stung hard, but there was no use worrying about it now.

Shuichi lifted his phone and opened a text thread between Rantaro and himself.

Me - 9:45 PM  
My uncle’s not mad anymore. He says I can go with you. Thank you again for letting me come over.

Rantaro - 9:57 PM  
that’s great! i’m glad it all worked out. it’s no problem  
Rantaro - 9:58 PM  
have a good holiday break shuichi :)

Me - 10:01 PM  
Thanks! you too

Before long, Shuichi was once again met with the open arms of slumber. Today’s events had him tired out, so not even unnamed anxiety could keep him up, and he was out like a light before he even had a chance to get under the blankets.


	6. warm april afternoons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our favorite fella has a revelation. 
> 
> I'm sorry if this is cheesy. I have no idea how Shuichi would actually act in a romantic scenario, all he knows how to do in canon is stutter and deny everybody's advances lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song they were listening to is called Who Are You, really? by Mikky Ekko  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMMbeaJV4HM

It’s almost funny, really, how fast time flies. As if, with the blink of an eye, the holidays were over, Shuichi’s friends had come back home, and school was back in session.

People’s routines are often like a well oiled machine. It’s cogs run smoothly and hardly ever change direction, so it was easy not to notice as January bled into February, then March and March welcomed April with open arms and a cool wind.

Branches previously sprouting green buds were now filling up with fresh leaves, birds were returning home, and despite the strange ways the universe likes to surprise people, things remained the same.

Well, mostly. After their run-in during the holidays, Shuichi and Rantaro grew closer. He’d introduced them to the friends he already had, and they’d formed a small circle. Kaito and Maki almost always did their own thing. As much as he wanted to call Shuichi his soul bro or his sidekick, he’d spend most of his time with Maki anyways. Which was fine of course. He’d never seen that girl as happy as she was in his presence. Even if he was a bit of an idiot.

This meant that Kaede, Shuichi, and Rantaro formed their own little trio. He found out, by asking Kaede one day how they’d known each other, that they also shared a project prior to their own and became friendly.

The three of them would most often hang out during lunch, under the same tree they’d eaten together at, back in November. As it was spring now, there were less fallen leaves scattered on the ground, and the fact that it was far less cold meant that it was finally more comfortable to sit on.

Some days it would be all three of them chatting idly while munching on whatever cafeteria food they managed to make it out of there with. Sometimes, it was just him and Kaede. That's when they’d discuss any topics that came to mind and he’d tell her about his traveling plans after graduation, which was nearing very quickly.

She’d been very supportive of the idea and thought it would be really great for Shuichi to get out and get some fresh air and new experiences like that. He was getting more and more antsy about it. As soon as summer hit, they’d be on the high seas, searching far and wide for Rantaro’s missing sisters. A break in the routine and a change of direction in the well oiled machine.

Other times though, lunch time was just him and Rantaro. Kaede would be busy with studying, or didn’t have a chance to leave the bustling cafeteria, so they would be left alone. Those days were filled with more comfortable silence than anything. Neither of them felt the need to fill the air with noise or keep the other entertained, so they simply sat and ate.

Sometimes Rantaro would pull out his phone and some headphones and they’d listen to music together. Shuichi didn’t listen to music much so he didn’t recognize half of the songs he played, but the feeling of comfort was something new and definitely something welcomed.

He’d even bump his shoulder against the other’s, or rest his head on it from time to time. Rantaro never showed a sign of minding, so he kept doing it. At first it made him anxious, this new territory, but soon enough his nerves had settled. This is exactly what he was doing on a warm day in the middle of April.

It was just the two of them again. Kaede texted him that she wasn’t able to make it so they settled into their usual spot and made small talk until silence filled the air the way it usually would.

After hitting the skip button a couple times, Rantaro finally decided on a song he wanted to let Shuichi listen to, which he greatly enjoyed. It was an indie pop title with a slow start and a nice melody. So, as he sometimes did, Shuichi placed his head on Rantaro’s shoulder to watch as he idly scrolled through social media or the photos in his gallery.

The wind was a bit faster today than it usually was, and it blew both of their hairs out of their faces quite often. They’d had to adjust their bangs multiple times and it’d only been 5 minutes into lunch. From his position on Rantaro’s shoulder, Shuichi looked up towards his face now instead of his phone screen. Whether it was to watch the wind misplace his bangs again, or to watch him fix them, he didn’t know.

As Shuichi turned his face towards his, a thought occurred to him. On this warm April afternoon, perched under a tree that they’d been leaning on for comfort, Shuichi realized he wanted to kiss Rantaro for the first time.

It was a thought that mostly came out of nowhere. It wasn’t a surprise to Shuichi that he’d been attracted to guys. He already had that epiphany in middle school. But it was the first time he noticed a change in feelings towards his friend, someone he’d spent so much more time around than he ever thought he would.

The realization was slow, and yet hit him all at once. The previous feeling of comfort bloomed into something far more giddy and somehow also twisted and turned into something horrifying and anxiety inducing.

What he was meant to do with this change of atmosphere, he had no clue. There was no way Rantaro noticed the shift caused by his internal monologue, so instead of causing alarm by taking his head away all of a sudden, he stayed put.

This barrage of new information and unanswered questions would have to be dealt with later. Preferably alone. But a new conflict formed, and as much as Shuichi was growing as a person, he was still a coward, so he just wanted to run away.

And run was exactly what he did. He avoided the train of thought to his best ability, stuffing his heart down his throat every time the urge to kiss him came up again.

High school’s remaining days were filled with the same old things, lunches, hangouts, pep talks with Kaito, and before long the end of May strolled around. Only a couple days till graduation, and a couple weeks till his first boat ride with Rantaro. Nerves were not only spiking, but filling his mind to the brim. He was full, spilling over with the amount of things that made him feel on edge. No amount of work-outs, or kind smiles, or relaxing lunches were going to calm him down. 

It didn’t help that his stomach also felt like it was imploding on itself. Every assignment that was finished as the days of the year dwindled caused a small tug on his nerves. It was both refreshing and yet so horribly terrifying. Every class period felt like information in one ear, out the other. He had projects to finish, papers to turn in, friends to say temporary goodbyes to, bags to pack, and heaviest of all, feelings to deal with. 

The urge to kiss him came up time and time again. Most often when they were in close proximity to one another. Shuichi began paying even closer attention to the details of Rantaro’s face and he’d counted the beauty marks placed across the surface of his face and arms. It was as if he was suddenly living in a cliché romance manga. 

Shuichi was not a romantic person and he never has been. Temporary thoughts and fleeting scenarios ran through his head, but nothing stuck quite like this. It was embarrassing, basically going through puberty again. 

Among the countless wrongs and worries he could list off about the situation, one thing stuck out. Rantaro’s disinterest in romance. He, like Shuichi, was bi, and also had never cared for the idea of falling in love. Both of them came from broken families in one way or another. Rantaro’s mother disappeared and his father slept around, and Shuichi’s parents resigned from their parenting position years ago. Neither of them had a solid idea of what love was meant to be like so even if Rantaro returned his feelings, things would become complicated upon arriving at a mutual agreement of a relationship. 

This was all the more reason for Shuichi to continue ignoring the swelling in his throat whenever a hand brushed against his, or a smile was sent in his direction. Seriously embarrassing.


	7. family dinners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rantaro has dinner at the Saihara's and Shuichi takes him to his special spot up the street.

The clinking of silverware echoed through the kitchen. Pots and pans were being moved from the stove into the sink to be washed and four plates were set down around the table, soon to be topped with hot food.

Shuichi had just finished washing his hands when his phone’s screen lit up, notifying him of a message. He hurried to dry his hands off and opened the text thread. 

Rantaro mentioned months ago that it was okay to have his family invite him over for dinner some time. In classic Shuichi fashion, he remembered that conversation well, but decided it would be best to put it off until around graduation, so here he was now, being met with the tail-end of May and a promise to keep. 

Rantaro - 7:00 PM  
sorry i’m running a bit late, i’m almost there

the text reads, nerves spike and make their way down Shuichi’s whole body. He’s gotten more used to the feeling of Rantaro’s presence, but today it feels like every nerve in his body is standing on end. 

he shakes off any unnecessary thoughts and quickly types a reply 

Me - 7:04 PM  
Don’t worry about it! Take your time, everyone is excited to see you. 

Shuichi contemplates shortly before adding another message 

Me - 7:05 PM  
Hope you remembered to bring your book of Rantaro trivia for the table.

After which he promptly pocketed his phone and didn’t wait for a response. Not that he had any time to wait as his aunt called him to the door where Rantaro obviously was, a couple minutes later. 

It was quite strategic of him to invite Rantaro over now if you asked him. There wasn’t much time between now and their departure, which meant that if it went so well that they wanted him over again, there’d be no time, and if it went terribly he wouldn’t have to hear about it for long. Shuichi was sure both of them wanted to avoid a second family dinner anyways. Not that there was anything wrong with his family wanting to get to know him, but the atmosphere that comes with sitting around a table and having adults ask you about your family, your hobbies, and school is never not awkward, so better safe than sorry. 

Speaking of possibly uncomfortable family dinners, Shuichi was invited to multiple at the Amami household. He went over to hang out with Rantaro a couple times, when he was less exasperated and on edge. It was a good chance to actually take in his surroundings. Shuichi was worried about the offer to pay for the travel expenses, but as it turned out time and time again, their family business was thriving and there was nothing to worry about. 

While travelling, Rantaro will help out with the business as he usually did when on his own, and they would have a steady income to rely on when renting hotel rooms or looking for food spots. And the extra cash would go to exploring the areas. Shuichi honest to god felt bad for wanting to explore, like it was some kind of vacation, for the longest time. It took Rantaro telling him story after story of the things he’s seen and the food he’s tried and the blissful look on his face to convince him that it was okay to be excited. 

Additionally, while at his house, the other teen and himself had multiple chats. Some more meaningful than others. The topics of conversation varied between school, what Kaede and the gang were up to, and Shuichi’s self esteem. Things began looking up recently. Unbeknownst to Shuichi apparently. He didn’t notice himself grow more confident as the days went by. His stutters were far and few between and he started speaking his mind more. 

Maybe it was Rantaro’s influence, or maybe Kaede’s many uplifting talks finally began setting in, or maybe working out with Kaito (and Maki) was having an effect on him and he was soaking up that guy’s bravado. He had no idea what exactly set him off, but he was grateful he had people to push him along like this. 

Unfortunately, Shuichi still stuck to his hat. Even though he wore it less, only when the occasion called for it, he had to admit he was having a hard time leaving behind a comfort item. Even if it felt less necessary, even if he was slowly moving on from the memory that caused him to wear it in the first place, a guy that has a fear of looking people in the eye engrained so deep within his psyche is going to have a hard time letting go. 

During his most recent visit to Rantaro’s place, he contemplated leaving it behind more than ever. It was a sunny day and the opportunity to spend time outside led to Rantaro showing Shuichi the boat they would be using. As the weather warmed and the seasons allowed for boat use, he got to explore it before it would be taken out on the waters. It wasn’t massive, just spacious enough to be comfortable, with a small kitchen and a couple bunks, as well as a bathroom in the lower level, and a dock with some chairs on the upper level. It was just enough for two people. 

The idea of these trips suddenly felt so intimate that Shuichi felt embarrassed and could tell as the tips of his ears began burning hot at the memory of standing on the dock, facing the still water, as Rantaro explained some of the nitty-gritty of travelling this way. He reminisced on the small smile on Rantaro’s face as he talked about the way the ocean made him feel. Small and insignificant, in a way that was comforting rather than terrifying. A glimpse into the emotions still being hidden within his core. He wanted to stare the ocean straight in the face (metaphorically speaking) and feel the same intense emotions that caused Rantaro to love riding on the high seas so much. 

Not long after having his name called, Shuichi finally turned back to reality and let his daydreams and happy memories fade into black as he headed for the front door to greet Rantaro. 

The muffled conversation from the doorway turned into recognizable words as he approached his aunt from behind. She was excitedly greeting their guest, who brought wine...for whatever reason. Rantaro’s gaze left Shuichi’s aunt and landed on Shuichi himself, who was standing awkwardly just a couple feet away. 

He finally stepped inside fully. His face, Shuichi noted, was covered in more freckles than the last time they’d seen each other. The sun was doing him all kinds of favors. Shuichi smiled weakly and watched his aunt retreat back into the kitchen with the wine, leaving the two of them alone. 

“My dad insisted I don’t show up empty handed” he offered as explanation. 

Instead of an answer, Shuichi released a puff of air from his nose. Intended to be something between a laugh and just simple acknowledgement. It was a “thank you” and a “that wasn’t necessary” at the same time. Usually he’d respond, or at least say hello, but right now he wasn’t feeling very talkative. More than anything he was nervous about seeing Rantaro again. They’d been very busy with end of the year stuff, which meant that it’d been a while since they had lunch together, or seen more than just glimpses of each other in the halls. In order to avoid saying anything he’d deem stupid later on, in the discomfort of his dark room, he continued staying quiet, and waved for Rantaro to follow him into the kitchen once the silence between them started becoming uncomfortable. 

They made their way to the kitchen, Rantaro following close behind, and were greeted by Shuichi’s aunt and uncle who were already sat at the table. Both of them made themselves comfortable in two chairs side by side, across the table from the adults. It felt eerily like a very strange interview set-up. Once he’s fully sat in front of his plate, Rantaro shoots his guardians a smile. 

“Good evening. Thank you for having me” he tells them, politely. 

“Oh it’s a pleasure to have you Rantaro, dear” his aunt says in return. 

The ticking of a clock can be heard in the silence that proceeds their exchange. Awkward, as expected. See? His prediction was right, having dinner with someone else’s family members gets awkward very quickly. Out of nowhere, though, his uncle starts speaking. He hadn’t said a thing until then, not even greeted Rantaro. For a long time now, he’s been quieter than usual. It made a sort-of anxious dread grow in Shuichi’s stomach, but at least the silence was broken. 

“Yes it’s good to have you. We’re glad you could make it safely.-” He began, grabbing a bite of his food, and making everyone wait. 

“I’m going to get right into the meat here, so tell me Rantaro, what does your father do? How will you be paying for these travels? And are you sure my favorite detective will get back to us safe?” he asks, mouth full of half-chewed food. Shuichi was sure he saw a couple pieces come flying out as he spoke. Shuichi then looked to his side, watching Rantaro’s fork stop midair, and a bashful smile spread across his face. 

“Right to the meat huh? Well, I can assure you sir there is no need to worry about the expenses. My father is quite wealthy, and I help out with the business on my travels so, no worries. And I will do my best to keep Shuichi safe, I wouldn’t want him hurt. After all he’s my favorite detective too” He smiled again, this time in Shuichi’s direction, and the fork actually made its way into his mouth. He chewed for a couple seconds before humming, pleased. “This is delicious by the way” 

Shuichi was honestly taken aback by Rantaro calling him his favorite detective, be it as a joke or not. He’s never seen him at work so how would he even know anyways. The teen did his best in shooting his friend a glare that didn’t quite land, just making Rantaro chuckle instead. 

His aunt thanked him for the compliments on the food, and his uncle seemed to relax in his seat. Even though he received the same exact explanation from Shuichi months ago, it was probably more reassuring hearing it from the guy himself. Though, despite how hard it must be to feel at peace knowing the kid they’ve been taking care of like their own son would be going away for a while, they were surprisingly more chill about it than expected. They continued eating, some comments here and there were made to fill the silence, but in the end they ended up dining quietly until their plates were clean. 

Before he knew it, dinner was over. The clanking of silverware filled the room once again as plates were being placed in the sink to be washed later. Rantaro was very polite throughout the whole thing, and didn’t seem uncomfortable, but Shuichi guessed he might be feeling a little out of place. 

“When do you have to be home?” he asked as he approached Rantaro from behind. 

He was looking at the photo of Shuichi as a child that was displayed in the entrance hall. It was a picture of him, taken from a higher angle so he was looking up at the camera. The sun was shining brightly and there was a huge grin on Shuichi’s face, which was chubby. The messy blue hair that had yet to grow as long as it was now was being blown to the side by the wind. When Shuichi leaned forward a bit to get Rantaro’s attention he caught sight of a small smile on his lips. It made his face burn slightly. Every bit of this evening, and every day that came before it has felt so embarrassing. 

“You were a cute kid” he noted, finally turning his attention to the boy standing beside him. “I’ve got like an hour before I have to be home, why?” 

Shuichi’s face burned more, and he felt the instinct to move his hair to cover his whole face run through him. Instead he elbowed Rantaro very gently. “Is that an insult to current me?’ he teased. 

“Oh no of course not. That’s still applicable now” he teased back, ruffling Shuichi’s hair the way an older sibling would. It’s like Rantaro has that gesture ingrained into him, cause he’s made a point of ruffling Shuichi’s hair dozens of times, as if he was the guy’s older brother. 

“I’m not a kid Rantaro.” Shuichi made a point of frowning at him in an exaggerated manner that made sure he knew that he wasn’t actually upset. “A-anyways follow me I wanna take you somewhere” he said, turning away quickly and making his way outside. 

Regardless of if Rantaro treated him like a kid or not, he did just inadvertently call Shuichi cute, which didn’t help the burning that travelled down his face to the back of his neck calm down. The could air that hit him once he stepped foot outdoors did, though. The moon was out, shining brightly and illuminating the dark street ahead of them. Shuichi made his way up the street, only waiting for a moment for Rantaro to throw his shoes on and follow him. 

Once he caught up and they were walking side by side with one another, Rantaro watched him rather than where they were going. He was making notes of the way Shuichi’s bangs bounced as he sped up his pace, and his eyes as they looked between him and the road once every couple seconds. It was dark out, but that didn’t stop Shuichi from confidently making his way where-ever they were going. Before he knew it, the stillness in the air had been shattered. 

“We’re going to a park close by. It’s not the prettiest place, trash everywhere, but the view is nice” 

They fell into a slow, comfortable pace for the next couple minutes. Finally faced with their destination, Rantaro realizes that what Shuichi said was definitely not an exaggeration. The park was small, and yet for its size it had a large amount of trash scattered around. There was a tall tree with a swing and a beautiful view of the city. It was definitely way less pretty during day time, but now, with the moon’s light accentuating the outline of the forest that lined the hill, and the lights from the city being so far away they almost blurred together, he felt the same way the sea made him feel. 

Small, like your life was trivial compared to the storms others were living through. There was this whole city out there, each individual person on their own separate journeys. People they would cross paths with once and never see again. But those people had lives, jobs, loved ones, tragic backstories. They spent some time looking out into the vast beyond, imagining the noise of the traffic you can’t hear from so far away, and having the blowing of wind through their hair be the only thing to ground you to this earth. All of it was so melancholy. Rantaro understood well why Shuichi liked this place despite its rough appearance. 

After standing on the cliff and staring into the city skyline for a minute or two, Shuichi sat down on the grass at the very edge of the cliff. Without even looking behind him, he patted the spot next to him, signaling for Rantaro to sit down. Which he did, placing himself on the cold grass. Thankfully it wasn’t wet, he was wearing light pants today. 

“I come here when I need to not think,” Shuichi said after a long time of them just listening to the rustling of leaves and each other’s breathing. He let his head topple forward, and Rantaro watched his hair cover his whole face from the side. Rantaro had no idea what kind of expression he was making, but considering his tone of voice, he probably wasn’t bouncing off the walls with excitement. 

“-I’ve got a lot on my mind, all the time. I don’t have any hobbies besides detective stuff, so all I do is think all day. Coming here helps things feel less...like the end of the world or something.” he gave a light chuckle and looked to Rantaro with an unreadable expression. It might’ve been a mix of sadness and a look of content. But he couldn’t really tell all too well. 

But at least he knew what he was on about. Travelling on your own can get pretty stressful. Not to mention how nerve-wracking it is to feel like you’re so close, like your destination is within your reach yet it’s so far away, so unachievable. There was nothing quite like watching the ocean take course with the moon’s rays giving the water a sort-of glimmer. 

“I know what you mean. I feel the same way, that’s when I come out to the dock and just watch the waves. It’s nice” It was his turn to offer a small laugh, and he looked to Shuichi. They made eye contact, and to his surprise, the guy didn’t look away. It made him smile. He was so reserved when they met but as seasons change, so do people, Rantaro supposed. 

“I’m excited to experience that first hand with you” Shuichi muttered. It was loud enough to be heard but still quiet, mostly meant as an afterthought. 

“Me too.” 

It wasn’t long before Rantaro’s time was up and he had to make his way home. Not only that, but the night air had gotten too cold for two boys with loose jackets on. Both of their arms were covered in chills even though summer was right around the corner. 

They said their goodbyes and Rantaro drove off. Once again, Shuichi stood and watched until his car made a turn down the street and disappeared from his sight before making his way inside.


	8. bittersweet graduation bell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter about saying goodbye.

Only someone with genuinely superhuman hearing would be able to understand the announcement that rang from the school’s speakers. There were far too many people rushing between classrooms and emptying out their lockers to make out any real words. The staff was probably just asking the students to meet in the gym for the ceremony, but that was only a guess. 

Shuichi didn’t have much to do. It was graduation day, his worries should’ve disappeared, but an unpleasant dread filled him and he had no one that he was friends with near him. 

Carefully, he made his way through the sea of other students in his class, all heading in the direction of the gym. The king of educated guesses gets it right again. Even though he knows he shouldn’t be pushing against the tide, he still attempts to search for his friends. Shuichi knows they’d be hanging behind, they hated trying to get around others without bumping into them as much as he did.

He finally spotted all of them sitting around at a circular table in the cafeteria. It was entirely empty aside from their group, even the lunch ladies were nowhere in sight. 

Comparing the bustling atmosphere that was usually associated with this room to the tranquility of its current state made their predicament all too real. He watched as Kaede and Kaito looked around, as if they were searching for something, probably him, so he made his way towards them.

Kaito spotted him first and raised his hand to wave him over aggressively. 

“Sidekick!!! Where’ve you been?! We’ve been looking for you” he exclaimed, drawing everyone’s attention toward Shuichi. Instead of making him twice as nervous, it felt as if Shuichi’s nerves dissolved into incomprehensible mush as the sight of his friend group. 

“Hey guys” He greeted them. Maki offered the gentlest smile she could muster, and Kaede was positively beaming beside her. Rantaro just waved at him nonchalantly. He looked really good today. Even the nasty, harsh, cafeteria lighting couldn’t take that away from him. His hair was wavier than usual and he had a couple more pieces of jewelry in his ears, including a chain that connected two of the rings on his lobe together. 

“Are you nervous?” Kaede asked in a hushed tone when he took his place beside her at the table. There was no point in being all secretive about it, but he still appreciated her taking his comfort into account even after all these years. 

“Not really, actually. I know I’m surprised too. I think I spent too much time being nervous at school, and now I’m just relieved to be done.” He told them. 

“It’s gonna suck not seeing you guys though-” Kaede offered as a sort of rebuttal, but Shuichi knew she agreed with him. She was still right though. It was going to suck. 

Creatures of habit often feel discomfort at such a big shift in their lives. High school might’ve been a cesspool, and a breeding ground for anxiety and insecurities, but it had some good things to offer too. There was nothing that could replace their lunch tradition under the tree, where he realized he liked Rantaro for the first time, or confided in Kaede about his troubles. Or the time they spent working at the library, which led to their promise to travel together in the first place. Or, hell, even the stinging pain in your lungs after running the mile. Shuichi doesn’t think he’s ever going to feel that kind of pain again. But if he does, it’ll definitely remind him of high school. 

“I’m really going to miss it,” Shuichi said, it was barely above a whisper, and was meant more as a note to himself rather than a statement he intended to say out loud, but it escaped his lips nonetheless. Before he could say anything else, a chorus of “awwww”s could be heard in different tones around the table. Maki’s was mostly intended to be playful mockery, but the others sounded genuine. 

“You know we’re gonna miss you too sidekick. Now it’ll just be me and Maki Roll doing our workouts, but hey! You’ll be back.” Kaito was as helplessly positive as always. Not in the way Kaede was positive, but in a way that made everyone around him question if he was just too dumb to feel sad. That wasn’t the case of course, he just had his own way of spinning things on their positive side.

And he was right with what he said too. Shuichi will be back, he isn’t disappearing and neither are his friends. No matter how long he’ll be gone, the bond he’s formed with these four isn’t something that can fall apart easily. Not even with Maki. She may have a cold demeanor, but her and Shuichi formed a friendship over the course of the three of them working out together, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

“Wish you guys safe travels and stuff” she offered, and everyone at the table looked at her in slight awe. 

“AWWW Maki Roll!! That was so sweet. You heard her guys, you better be safe. And bring us souvenirs!!” Kaito all-but shouted, slinging his arm around her shoulders. She went bright red and huffed at him, but smiled anyways. 

“We should go, don’t wanna be late, what if they hold us all back” 

“Rantaro!! Don’t jinx it” 

Their general banter continued as they made their way down the hallway. It was empty now, and there was a second announcement urging any students that aren’t present to make their way to the gym as soon as possible. Their steps picked up pace alongside their heart rates, and they made their way past the classrooms they practically called home these past few years one last time, together.


	9. ends and beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everything was ready. His family approved of his travels, he graduated, he had another set of goodbyes with each of his friends, and his bags were packed. Needless to say, Shuichi was still restless."

ZIIIIIP. Finally done, Shuichi thought, as he zipped up his last bit of luggage. He didn’t own much, his clothes were just variations of the same shirts and pants in different colors, so it didn’t take long to pack, but he was still worn out. He was going to be picked up soon to unload his stuff on the boat. 

They were staying the night at Rantaro’s place and heading out tomorrow morning. He was incredibly on edge and yet there was a certain numbness that filled his mind which was keeping him from overflowing with feelings he couldn’t quite put a name to.

Everything was ready. His family approved of his travels, he graduated, he had another set of goodbyes with each of his friends, and his bags were packed. Needless to say, Shuichi was still restless. His leg began bouncing aggressively once he plopped himself down on the edge of his bed.

The teen looked himself up and down in the tall mirror at the other end of his room and tried to bring himself back to reality. He touched his face, pulled his hair, watched his reflection squeeze its hands together and yet Shuichi still felt floaty. As if his body was on autopilot at this point and the minutes began melting together into an unclear passing of time. Be it 30 seconds or 30 minutes, he couldn’t tell.

“Shuichi!! Rantaro is here to pick you up!” 

In his daze, Shuichi missed the texts that were sent to notify him of Rantaro’s arrival, and he suddenly felt all too real. The ground was pulling his feet down yet his upper half still felt floaty. 

Shuichi shook his head and counted 5 things he could see, which included his luggage, the sheet he was sitting on , his empty desk, his phone, and himself. 4 things he could touch, such as his clothes, the carpet beneath his feet, the baseball cap on the bed behind him, and once again his phone. 3 that he could hear, like the ticking of the clock, the chirping of birds outside, and a faint resemblance to a conversation downstairs. 2 he could smell, like his deodorant, and a lingering scent of the coffee he had earlier today. And 1 he could taste, like the remnants of the toothpaste he used this morning.

With a new calm washing over him, Shuichi picked himself up and grabbed his luggage. He turned around and gave his hat a look of consideration, then looked at himself in the mirror, and after a moment, decided he wasn’t going to bring it. Instead moving it to his empty nightstand as the last remaining piece of himself that will occupy this room for the near future. 

The sound of footsteps alerted the three people that currently occupied the kitchen. They had all been waiting for Shuichi’s arrival, and he hoped that calming himself down didn’t take up too much time. 

None of them seemed to mind though. Rantaro turned to look at him from his position at the counter and shot him a warm smile. A blush travelled up his spine and planted itself on the back of his neck and his ears. He has no idea how he’s supposed to get used to seeing him everyday when something so simple overwhelms him so easily. 

Not the way that school or solving cases did, but in a sense that he couldn’t sit still with how giddy he felt sometimes. Every part of his skin felt tingly and there was an ever-present heat on his face. Shuichi wondered if this is how kids felt when they got their first crush in like...middle school. He also wondered why the hell he had to be dealing with this for the first time at the ripe age of 17. 

His mind was an enigma. He’d start getting attached to people who showed him slightly more attention than he thought he deserved and then boom - a crush of some sort. This meant that he did have feelings for Kaede for a bit, a couple years ago. It was nothing short of temporary. Kaito too, for a few weeks tops. His mind always came to a screeching halt whenever he imagined actually being in a relationship though. And as simple as that, his feelings would fade. 

Shuichi would try to imagine waking up next to them, he imagined walking hand in hand, or kissing, always to no avail. His imagination would fall short. He wrote it off as simply not being interested in that type of thing. Nothing wrong with that, he thought, it’s not for everybody. 

Turns out, there was an exception. 

He would’ve been content with never truly experiencing a crush. It wasn’t on his bucket list and he certainly wasn’t itching for a relationship. But sometimes shit just does not work out the way you want it to. 

So, here he is, almost an adult and having his first long-lasting crush. Sue him for overreacting to every little thing. 

Rantaro and his aunt exchanged their last pleasantries and he went over to his uncle and shook his hand firmly, and noted that he’d wait outside in the car. It was finally time for Shuichi to say goodbye to the people he’d spent his whole life with. He knew he’d miss them, but a part of him felt relieved, and it made him feel like shit.

“Shuichi-” his uncle was the first to speak up, it made him jump, but he listened intently, “-you know we’re going to miss you, but we do wish you wonderful travels. Since we got you when you were seven, we’ve cared about you dearly, and just wanted to see you happy-” he spotted his aunt nodding along in agreement out of the corner of his eye

“-your aunt and I know we’re not as present as we could be, and we hope you can forgive us.” his aunt was now making her way over and plopping herself on the couch beside his uncle, and Shuichi was still stood in the middle of room, unsure of what to say or even think,

“He’s right. We love you, dear and we will miss you and your delicious breakfasts. So-” now they were both standing up and wrapping their arms around him in a hug “-we hope you can be happy, and come back to us soon. Safe travels.” with that they let him go and stepped back to smile at him in a way he hasn’t been on the receiving end of in years. It made him feel even worse how he felt so neutral about this whole ordeal. Maybe it wasn’t quite sinking in yet, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel as sad as he thinks he should. 

Still, he wasn’t an asshole. He cared about them a lot. “Thank you, for taking care of me, for treating me like your son, for getting me into detective work, it means a lot. I love you guys too. I’ll be safe.”

By the time Shuichi made his way to the door, the reality of it all finally sunk in. He might not be back here for god knows how long. He wasn’t one to back out on promises though, so as he shut the door behind himself and shouted an “I will!!” as a response to his family’s request for souvenirs, it felt as if he was stepping onto a new page in the book of his life. There was yet to be any ink in this chapter and the possibilities were endless. Shuichi’s head swam with emotions he couldn’t name again, and he slowly made his way to Rantaro’s car. 

The car door slammed behind him too, truly cementing his decisions in place. That floaty feeling that was threatening to tear him away from the earth and launch him into space earlier was lingering in the back of his mind. Rantaro said nothing as Shuichi settled in the passenger’s seat of his car. His luggage was in the trunk and a soft melody echoed from the speakers, but the pounding of Shuichi’s heart drowned out any words he’d be able to make out otherwise. 

The only noise that filled the car on their way here was the melodies provided by the songs he chose, the wind that blew the trees lightly, and the steady tapping of Rantaro’s finger on the steering wheel. It wasn’t until they were parked in the long driveway of Rantaro’s huge house that he spoke up for the first time. 

“What’s on your mind?” he asked apprehensively. 

Shuichi must’ve come off more lost in thought than he assumed, since he wasn’t really expecting that question. A lot of things were going on in his head right now and he wished he could be back in the park by his house at night again. Shuichi wanted nothing more than the grounding feeling of the cold wood of the swing and the rope that it hung from around his fingers. 

“A lot of stuff.” he admitted. Hesitantly, but admitted it nonetheless. It seemed like they weren’t leaving this car until he told the guy everything though, so Shuichi braced himself and started speaking. They need to stop having moments like these. Seriously. 

Rantaro just made a noise of acknowledgement and waited. The hum of his engine was long gone now that his keys were out, and his body twisted in the driver’s seat to be facing Shuichi casually. Being given someone’s full attention made him nervous, but he spoke anyway. 

“I’m thinking about leaving. I don’t know how to phrase this correctly but...I just can’t seem to make myself feel sad, or guilty, and it’s making me feel weird. I should be sad, I should feel bad about leaving them, I should be second guessing myself and my decisions-” he looked up to find Rantaro looking at him sympathetically, but not in a way that came off as pity, and it urged him to continue speaking his mind. Rantaro seemed to have that effect on him 

“-I needed a break from the mundanity of everything, and they were never around all that much, but I still feel like I need to feel something other than this empty contentment.”

There was far more on his mind. Things that were less negative and more along the line of what Rantaro will look like in the morning, what having breakfast by his side will be like, where they’ll go and what they’ll see, the nights they’d spend staring at the waves. He couldn’t possibly tell him that though, so Shuichi will have to keep it to a minimum. 

Rantaro took a second to contemplate the dilemma before shifting in his seat, this time to make himself face the window again. “I don’t think you have to feel bad. Your aunt and uncle, and your friends too, they’re happy as long as you’re happy. Plus, just because you don’t feel guilt doesn’t mean you aren’t going to miss them.” he tipped his head to smile at Shuichi softly “don’t feel bad for not feeling bad. You gotta be in tiptop shape for the investigations. Can’t have your head in the clouds if we wanna get stuff done.” he joked and ruffled Shuichi’s hair like he was a kid. 

Shuichi said nothing. He didn’t know what he could say. He wasn’t in the mood to tell him off for treating him like a kid again. Instead, he found himself wanting to lean into the touch a little more. And Rantaro was right, he had no reason to feel bad, but things like that are easier said than done. As they made their way up to Rantaro’s door, luggage in hand, Shuichi couldn’t help but feel like this feeling would eat away at him anyways. 

The Amami’s never fail to surprise it seems. Shuichi was expecting some sort of lecture from Rantaro’s dad but nothing could’ve prepared him for the three women he had with him when they walked into the house. Right there in the living room sat the man himself alongside multiple women not even Rantaro seemed to recognize. His step-mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner while they were mingling in front of the TV as if they’re regular guests. Both of them stopped dead in their tracks and shared a look, somewhere between a cringe and some sort of mutual apology. 

They didn’t bother staying for dinner and just hurried up the stairs to the guest room where Shuichi would be staying for the night. Rantaro placed his suitcase near the empty closet on the left side of the room and sat down on the bed. It was neatly made, like a hotel bed ready for guests, with the only indent being the one in the space Rantaro was sitting. Shuichi walked over to the open window on the far side of the room and glanced outside at the night sky, taking in the way the moon highlighted the, almost, still sea. The movement of the water caused light ripples around the boat, making it reflect on the surface of the sea. 

“Did you not bring your hat with you?” Rantaro wondered. Shuichi briefly looked at him over his shoulder before returning his attention to the sight outside. It had the same calming effect the night sky at the park did, and he was grateful for that. 

“I decided to leave it at home” 

Rantaro made a noise of surprise, but said nothing. They sat in silence for a couple moments, thinking to themselves. 

“I wanted to, but decided that I-if I’m going to leave home, I might as well leave it behind too.” Shuichi continued gazing out the window, taking in the cold air that blew his way. The other boats at the dock stood dormant the same way theirs did and he imagined the types of adventures that others would be having. What are their destinations? How do they feel when the cold air hit their faces and the waves separated to make leeway for their boats? Do they feel free? Or is the sea confining? 

Rantaro continued staying silent, unsure of what to say, but smiled to himself. He’d never felt glad that he opened up to someone before. It took years of convincing himself that he didn’t need anyone’s help, he didn’t want anyone to know what he was thinking or feeling, or where he was going. Yet Shuichi began breaking down some of those walls, not for the sake of exploiting Rantaro’s weaknesses, but to understand him. 

He wanted to sympathize and help in any way he could. Not because he felt Rantaro necessarily needed the help, but rather because he wanted to extend a hand in support. It felt nice. He hoped that his actions completed the picture in places his words couldn’t. After all, it was the first time he’d ever opened this part of his life to someone, and he still felt unsure of whether it was a good idea or not. In the grand scheme of things.

He’d have to wait and see. 

Before long, the night got too dark and sleep weighed heavy on both of their eyelids. Rantaro excused himself and wished Shuichi a good night before making way to his own room to prepare for tomorrow. Shuichi stripped off his dress shirt and pants, replacing them with a comfortable shirt and some shorts and made himself a spot under the blankets. Endless thoughts and possibilities kept him awake hours into the night, but at some point his mind and body gave in and he fell into a deep sleep.


	10. as the waves crashed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After 9 chapters of build up, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Nighttime is only kind to those that find solace in it. For people like Shuichi and Rantaro it is nothing but an empty block of time to dwell on thoughts that the day time kept them too busy to think about. 

A couple weeks passed since their departure from home. They went by fairly quickly and brought new experiences that Shuichi never thought he’d have until now. Their first stop was Italy, where they spent a good week and a half. Most of it was filled with visiting places Rantaro loved and places he had yet to discover on his own. They walked through the streets, making small talk and stopping at shops to try local food from time to time. Rantaro could speak basic Italian so he didn’t have much trouble communicating with the locals.

He even ended up teaching Shuichi some phrases so he could ask for help if need be. The search was not forgotten though. Every new place they went they had their eyes on green hair, or faces that resembled Rantaro’s. Shuichi only had dated photos to go off of, but he assumed it wouldn’t be too hard to spot a slightly aged up version of one of the girls.

Regardless of their efforts, especially Rantaro’s, they came out with nothing. He had leads that they attempted to follow up on and asked around anywhere they could possibly reach. During the night, Shuichi noticed, Rantaro would leave their shared hotel room and wouldn’t return until the sun reared its ugly head, covered in scrapes or bruises. Shuichi never asked, he assumed Rantaro didn’t want him to. After 10 days, Rantaro decided to leave for the time being and continue their search elsewhere. 

Shuichi reminisced on the sheer excitement on Rantaro’s face when he retold stories or purchased souvenirs that weren’t meant for anyone in particular. He smiled genuinely as he ate the food and gushed about finally being able to learn new recipes. He led them around cities Shuichi had only seen in magazines and on the internet, filled with old style European homes and pointed out flowers that he found beautiful. Ones that sat in flower pots on the side of the road and ones that sprouted from the hard concrete, wedged between rocks. 

The stark contrast between the happiness that lit up his whole face and the disappointment and frustration currently eating away at Rantaro hurt to watch. He was trying his best to remain calm, but his mask began cracking in the area around his eyebrows, where they were tightly knit together, and his eyes, where tears threatened to spill. 

Shuichi lay still in the empty bunk in the lower level of the boat, gently rocking with the waves. It was dark, the only light being from the moon that peeked through the round window near the top of the wall. He was deep in thought, blaming himself for their short-comings, considering he was supposed to help. That’s the only reason he was here in the first place. If he isn’t helping, what's the use of him being here? 

In the meantime, Rantaro stood at the edge of the dock, watching the water splash harshly and listened to the hum of the engine that carried them along. Despite the fact that there was someone else on this trip with him, for the first time in weeks, he felt alone. 

The silence around him was deafening. 

It was a couple days after their departure from Italy that Shuichi came out to the dock for the first time. He tried to stay out of Rantaro’s way as much as possible to give him some time alone. Their interactions were limited to breakfast, which he cooked, and nighttime when Rantaro decided he got too tired and returned to the bunk they were staying in. No words were shared between the two of them, only looks and shrugs of the shoulders. 

After a while, though, Shuichi realized something. Maybe he wasn’t useful yet, but what was the point of sulking when Rantaro was obviously going through so much worse? Not only that, but he didn’t seem angry at Shuichi, he didn’t blame him, he mostly likely blamed himself before anyone else. That guy didn’t deserve the unintentional cold shoulder being sent his way. 

So on a cold Tuesday night, he quietly shuffled up the stairs that led to the dock, stopping short when he was at the last step. Rantaro’s back was to him, stood at the way front of the boat. The wind was strong out on the seas so his hair was in genuine disarray on top of his head, but he didn’t seem to mind. 

Or maybe he found no point in fixing it if the next gust of wind that came his way would mess it up again. It put a bittersweet smile on Shuichi’s face, watching him stand so peacefully in front of him while a storm brewed inside his mind.

The shuffling of steps alerted Rantaro and he turned to face Shuichi. There was a completely neutral expression on his face. He wasn’t surprised nor upset at his presence, simply allowing him to be there. As Rantaro was turning back to watch the water again he lightly tapped the railing next to him that sent a quiet invitation to his friend. 

Shuichi made his way to the spot next to him and quietly leaned over the railing to join him. From his side profile, Shuichi could make out deep circles beneath his eyes and the red splotches that adorned his cheeks from the cold. There was a bright outline around the side of his body from the moon that seemed all too close and yet so far out of reach. Shuichi watched the flutter of his eyelashes and the way he bit his lip like the answers he was looking for were beneath the skin. 

“Do you think I blame you?” He asked, in a hushed tone. The sound of his voice was strained and almost raw and Shuichi felt a pang of guilt accompany the surprise that hit him. 

“I don’t.” Shuichi told him before placing his face on his hands and eyeing the water at the way end of the horizon. “I think you blame yourself. The way I blame myself too. I was supposed to help and yet I ended up wasting our time” 

“I don’t think we wasted our time.” Rantaro retorted. The look on his face almost resembled contentment, and he continued speaking. “I find that there’s more to travelling than looking for my sisters. As much as I desperately want to find them, I also find pleasure in going places.” He paused again to gaze at Shuichi with a look that was equal parts happy and sad. Shuichi didn’t look away, he watched Rantaro’s face intently in fear he’d miss something. The aggressive beating of his heart and the splashing of the water were too loud and his words were basically being drowned out. 

“I had fun showing you these places. How excited you were made the trip worth it”

Maybe it was the adrenaline, or the noise that surrounded him, but Shuichi felt a new found confidence fill him. Unlike the time under the tree during high school, or the dozens of times that came after, he didn’t feel like being a coward. 

“Can I kiss you?”

The words came out in a hushed whisper, and Shuichi feared Rantaro didn’t hear him and he’d have to repeat himself. He didn’t know if he had enough confidence for round two, but after a couple seconds realization struck Rantaro and he straightened up in surprise. 

Suddenly everything was too loud, the engine rumbled, the waves splashed aggressively and his uneven heartbeat reverberated through his whole system. No backing down though, Shuichi stood his ground until he received some sort of response. Be it acceptance or, worst case scenario, rejection. He’d accept it and move on. 

To his surprise, Rantaro smiled at him softly. There was no look of disgust on his face and he gently lowered himself down until they were face to face, Shuichi was only a couple inches shorter so it wasn’t too difficult, and looked at him in the eye, searching for something. 

Rantaro’s eyes closed slowly and his lips made contact with Shuichi’s. At first he was frozen in place, entirely too starstruck to react. The touch he suddenly felt on his left arm brought him back to Earth, so he closed his eyes too and kissed back before the moment was over. 

As the waves crashed against one another in the distance and the hum of the engine was drowned out by the sound of blood rushing to Shuichi’s face, they continued kissing slowly. It was gentle rather than needy and the soft feeling of Rantaro’s lips on his own engrained itself into his memory. 

It wasn’t magical, even with the beautiful waters all around them and the moon that shone down on them like a spotlight, but it felt nice. So incredibly nice. Shuichi’s heart soared and he was sure Rantaro could feel the trembling of his fingers against his skin. 

Before long, Rantaro was pulling back. Shuichi desperately wanted to chase after his lips and feel them on his own again, but instead he felt a hand ruffle his hair again and watched Rantaro make his way back to the bunk. This time, the gesture felt less like something you’d do to your little brother and more like something Rantaro did when he couldn’t find a way to end a conversation. His shadowed figure disappeared down the stairs and Shuichi was left to contemplate the events that just transpired. 

He didn’t know what to make of it so he stood and watched the ocean move before his very eyes and thought about how vast and endless it is. It brought him the comfort he needed to settle his heart and return to the bunk for some much needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story's coming to an end soon woohoo. Only a couple more chapters. Not only have I never written something this long, It's also my first real fanfiction so I hope it's been enjoyable and the slow burn wasn't painful to read haha.


	11. miso soup for breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ooh more talking and more descriptions of smiling and teenage hormones !! soo exciting !!

Shuichi was woken up by the morning sun, which peaked through the window and landed perfectly on his eyelids. Its rays were blinding and resulted in splotches of color being scattered around Shuichi’s newly regained vision. The chilly atmosphere told him it was still early, yet he found the bunk empty. Not even so much as a creak in the floorboards could be heard around him. The only sound that encompassed his senses was the gentle splashing of the waves outside the window. The same waves he saw out of the corner of his eye when he was kissing Rantaro last night. 

Oh shit. He was kissing Rantaro last night. 

A kiss that carried months of unspoken feelings and words that were choked down before they ever had a chance to surface along with it. It slotted into the silence that would otherwise be occupied by questions from both sides. 

Why now? Why me? When did these feelings appear? And when did they suddenly become too much? 

Sleep and guilt still weighed heavy on him, but the sudden jolt that caused him to sit up was enough to push some of the tired feeling out of his body. The blanket was bunched up around his waist and he blinked rapidly to get rid of the remaining blobs of color that clouded his vision.

The consequences of his actions and the questions that followed were plaguing Shuichi’s mind before he even had the chance to bask in the relaxing morning sun. They were playing on repeat like a record, scratched and broken. Stuck replaying one line. One chord. He was never an early riser, preferring to wait until his mind no longer felt groggy to trudge outside onto the deck. 

For once, though, he was grateful for Rantaro’s lack of presence. It usually sent his mind into a frenzy with the many possibilities that swam up from the darkest parts of his imagination. Not that he let him live in peace anyways, with the constant bruises and scrapes. He’d ask about that eventually. This time though, he had a chance to gather his thoughts before facing him again. 

Above all, the question that was accompanied by a rise in his pulse, was why he’d kissed back. Rantaro didn’t respond with an attempt to remove himself from the situation, didn’t rub his neck awkwardly and excuse himself, didn’t laugh, he didn’t...he didn’t do anything that Shuichi had expected him to. Instead he leaned down and placed his lips on his, strangely soft despite how tattered and chewed up they looked. Surely from endless nights filled with bottled up nerves.

It was confusing, shocking, and he considered how he could be so young yet feel so stressed, like the weight of the world was being carried on his frail shoulders. He knew teenage years were meant to be stressful before he ever hit puberty, but did the universe have to make everything feel like such a big deal? It wasn’t a rejection after all, so what did it mean for the days that came from now on? 

The sudden clang of a pot, or a pan, in the distance shocked Shuichi out of his almost zombie-like state and he stared at the door that separated him and a conversation he wasn’t sure he was ready to have. 

“Shuichi” Rantaro appeared in the doorway without him even noticing the sound of it opening, “good morning” 

“Wh- Huh?” he sputtered helplessly, staring at him. His arms were crossed leisurely and he was using his left shoulder to lean on the door frame for support. His whole stature screamed relaxed, which was a massive contrast to the current rigidity of Shuichi’s body. 

“Time for breakfast. Made us some miso soup. I hope you’re hungry.” 

“O-oh right, thank you” 

Shuichi made his way to the small kitchen that occupied space on the upper part of the boat and sat himself down at the little table the two of them set up. Rantaro poured some soup in a bowl and presented it to Shuichi. It looked delicious, steamy and warm and inviting. He dug in right after a hushed ‘thank you for the food’, only hesitating briefly to watch Rantaro smile at him. 

The second the soup hit his taste buds, Shuichi felt a rapidly spreading warmth make its way to his stomach. It was as, if not more, delicious than it looked. It tasted like..like- 

“Like home right?” Rantaro supplied, finishing the sentence as if reading his thoughts 

“Huh? Oh yeah. It tastes like home. Thank you Rantaro, this is delicious” 

He smiled at him again. The smile itself was warm, domestic, but a deep brimming curiosity filled his eyes. They bore into Shuichi’s own even as he thanked him for the compliment shyly, before explaining that he learned the recipe from his mom when he was a child. 

It felt almost too relaxed. There was an undeniable tension in the air, but the warmth of the soup and the softness of the looks they shared covered it for the duration of their meal. 

With a satisfied hum Shuichi set his bowl to the side and watched as Rantaro did the same. They stared at each other for a short bit before Rantaro sighed and placed his hands on the table, attempting to make eye contact with Shuichi from under his bangs. 

“I’m gonna be honest, I’m kinda dyin’ to ask you some questions” 

Shuichi was nervous but internalized it well, keeping his hand shaking to a minimum. 

“Ah- Yeah I thought you might be curious. Uh- Ask away?” he responded as if he didn’t know exactly what question was coming. 

“So, why did you ask to kiss me? I’m still trying to figure that out” 

“Well you did it, why was that?” 

Rantaro laughed shortly “Don’t try to deflect that’s not an answer” 

Right of course. Can’t get off the hook that easy. 

He tried to stabilize his breathing quickly and sent a nod in Rantaro’s direction, almost as a way to feign imaginary defeat. 

“W-well, I asked to kiss you because I’ve been thinking about it for a while. It kind of just..slipped out. Didn’t think it would get us here, but I suppose life’s full of surprises” 

He tried to make it as casual sounding as possible despite the heaviness of the unspoken words that remained nestled in Shuichi’s mind.

It’s strange to think of a time when he didn’t feel a strange giddiness, or an ever-present anxiety the way he seemed to every day on this damn boat. There was a time, months ago, when Shuichi thought of Rantaro as just another classmate that he felt a tugging curiosity about. 

Before he could even blink, Rantaro’s presence was associated with stories never before told, with new music and the crunching of leaves under his shoes, with an unspoken trust built upon the shattered remains of their family lives. He felt like comfort. 

Shuichi remembered coming home and analyzing their conversations. It began as something purely analytical, something meant for deciphering Rantaro’s strange way of carrying himself, but turned into something more. He would wonder what he was like in his day to day life, the one outside of school grounds and beyond the spot under the tree they made their own.

Did he have any interests outside of those he mentioned? Perhaps ones he was too embarrassed to admit to. Did he think on the days spent with his family before it fell apart the way Shuichi did when the weight of his own loneliness felt overwhelming? What kind of stories lay beyond the silly knick knacks he placed on his shelf deliberately? How did he feel, kissing Shuichi for the first time? 

Was it exhilarating and new, or had it been a thought that lay immobile and uncharted in the back of his mind? Was it something that seemed a long time coming or entirely unexpected? 

He also often wondered what Rantaro associated with him. Maybe it was the gentle sway of a swing at night, or a rhythmic tapping on his desk. Were the songs he picked out purely his own taste, or did some of them make him think of Shuichi and the nervous way he smiled at him, reminding him of the way his smile grew fonder as the months passed by. Did he see items in shops and wonder if Shuichi would like them too? Did his presence mean even half as much to him as it did to Shuichi? 

“Oh. That was almost a really good line.-” Rantaro told him, his tone seeped with amusement and Shuichi couldn’t figure out what he found so funny “-well then same goes for me. I’ve been thinking about it, so I did it” 

Hold on. 

“H-Wha-HUH?” Shuichi stammered out, shell-shocked at his response. They should seriously be less casual about this. 

“Relax, Shuichi. You asked why I kissed you when you asked right? I told you I’ve been thinking about it.” 

“H-how long?” 

He laughed, short and brief. Shuichi remembered the first time he heard that sound, back in the science room, and the way he thought it was cute. The shaking of his chest was still the same, and in a weird way it felt grounding. Like this was still the same Rantaro he knew then. He laughed, but still proceeded to answer genuinely. 

“Not long, a couple weeks. The first time I thought about it was when we were in Florence and I pointed out the flowers at the side of the shop and you really liked them.” 

Shuichi’s brain had somehow come to a complete stop and began working ten times as fast. His heart was going a million miles per hour, but the fond smile from earlier made its way further up his face, squishing his cheeks. 

“What about you?” He asked, and Shuichi almost didn’t register himself say ‘April’ until Rantaro’s face dropped and twisted into a look of surprise. 

“Since April? What, you mean..three months ago April?” 

“Ah..That would be the one” 

Rantaro was nothing if not taken aback at this moment. Three months isn’t that long of a time, but considering they had only known each other for nine months, Shuichi having romantic feelings towards the other for a third of that time seems like ground breaking information. 

In the pensive silence that followed, Shuichi let their conversation sink in. While not as long, Rantaro had also been thinking about kissing him. Shuichi couldn’t help but let a satisfied smile creep onto his face. He’d been doing more smiling than he ever had these past few months and it was all thanks to the fact he was comfortable with someone for the first time. 

There was always something blocking him and anyone he’d been friends with from complete mutual understanding. At least as complete as it can be between two teenage boys who were constantly in their own heads. Kaede was too much of an extrovert, so was Kaito, Maki was a massive introvert but she was far more closed off, and far more straight-forward, than Shuichi. 

Rantaro was an enigma, he didn't think that word would never not apply to the other, but he was caring, and he understood Shuichi’s family issues, and thank god he wasn’t a massive extrovert. He was still way more outgoing than Shuichi, but he liked his alone time just as much as him, so they could have moments of uninterrupted silence without a stillness in the air. 

“So, what does this mean?” Shuichi asked, throwing the contemplative silence on its head “for us I mean. D-don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy to hear that the thought was mutual and not something you did out of obligation, though that would be a strange thing to do as a favor, or if you feel bad for someone-” 

“Shuichi slow down-” Rantaro interrupted him, with a near hysterical look on his face “-you’re rambling. Not that that’s normally an issue, but you’re way too worried about this. You asked ‘cause you wanted to and I did it ‘cause I wanted to.” 

He blinked at him a couple times before sighing and sinking down in his chair slightly. The plastic was digging into his shoulder and the clothes he had on did not accommodate the chilly wind. 

“Right. I knew that. Well-uh-I’m just not sure what to do from here on out. Just to be clear, I have feelings for you, romantic if that wasn’t uh..obvious, but we-neither of us knows how to date. I’m not sure what..you want to do.”

“Well, let me ask you this, what do you want us to do?” he asked, chuckling at Shuichi’s confession. 

“I-ME? Wh-well I guess I would be happy if you wanted to try. Nothing really has to change, I’ll be happy as long as you’re here.” 

“Shuichi….” he pretty much whined. It was Rantaro’s turn to sink down in his chair and blush “you say the most embarrassing stuff sometimes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the second to last chapter, though I might add more after that, I dunno yet.


	12. vast and undiscovered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the last chapter. it's short and not dialogue focused, but I didn't feel like focusing on conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: very brief mention of weight loss and being able to feel someone's ribs. It's one line, but I felt the need to warn people just in case.

People’s routines are like well oiled machines. If you force the cogs to change direction they will simply adjust to the change and continue working. Bumps and stutters are a part of it all, but at the end of the day the sun will still set and the waves will continue to collide against one another endlessly. 

The sea is never completely still. There is always some sort of gentle movement, if not in the waves themselves then in the particles that make up its waters. The world’s waters are restless, unpredictable, dangerous. In order to recognize the storm you must recognize the calm that comes before it. A silent warning. 

Love has been described as a lot of things. One of them is the ocean. Sure it makes sense that humans are vast and mysterious, but the act of loving another person in itself is similar to the sea. Some days are calm, with the sun’s warm inviting rays shining down and bringing comfort and happiness. Some are like the calm before the storm, eerily silent, uncomfortable, cold. And some are like the storm itself, gray and polluted. Thrashing waters and howling winds. Loving someone comes with the turbulence that only the ocean could provide. 

When it comes down to it, though, storms are as temporary as the calm days that people love. The gray waters will become clear again and the clouds will part. The aggressive nature of the water will eventually return to a near stillness that brings peace rather than a promise of danger. 

Shuichi didn’t expect things to go perfectly, neither did Rantaro. After all, they’re both struggling with the weight of their situation. More stops with new places to visit, more souvenirs and new recipes, more undefined scrapes and bruises. It’s become their cycle, their new normal. 

Hotel rooms left behind with one bed never occupied, days spent discussing European architecture, arrays of different foreign breakfasts. New, but comfortable. A routine. 

Unfortunately, the gray clouds overhead make an appearance again, and disappointment weighs heavy. Shuichi noticed that Rantaro seemed to be doing worse than last time. He would wake up in the middle of the night to a bunk already empty and find Rantaro on the dock. 

His stare was hollow. When Shuichi would find him standing out there, he would approach quietly and stand by his side, watching his eyes look at nothing in particular. Usually, his gaze would follow the curve of the waves, or jump from cloud to cloud to identify any shapes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Shuichi would ask, in a hushed tone as to not startle him. 

“Not today” He’d always respond. Shuichi wasn’t sure when the day would come, but he was happy to wait as long as he needed him to. 

Rantaro decided one morning, while making a classic French breakfast, that they needed a break. Rather than going to a new destination, they would dock at the nearest country, stock up on what they needed, and spend more time out on the sea to clear their minds. Shuichi agreed so they made a pit-stop in Spain. 

Rantaro noted that he had been there before and his favorite place was Malaga, which he told Shuichi all about. He talked about its nature, the architecture, the food. He described his interactions with the locals and their interest in his fashion, going on and on while they made their way to a supermarket nearby. Shuichi listened intently and smiled at Rantaro anytime they made eye contact. To his pleasure, it made Rantaro smile too. Albeit weakly, but he learned to take what he can get. 

When their hands brushed against one another, neither of them pulled away, content with the minimal contact. It was grounding at times when either of them found themselves suddenly overwhelmed. If Shuichi’s breath started becoming labored, Rantaro would place a hand on top of his and sit with him until it returned to normal. If it was Rantaro, Shuichi would start telling stories and attempts at cracking jokes as a way of distracting him. 

They understood each other’s needs, yet Shuichi often found himself lost when it came to what to do when Rantaro returned to the dock in the middle of the night, eyes searching for something that wasn’t there. 

When he awoke in the middle of the night to the bed near his empty again, Shuichi knew where to look immediately. Slowly and steadily he made his way to the dock, careful not to make too many sounds, and was met with Rantaro’s back once again. This was becoming such a common sight that Shuichi felt like he could describe every fold on his clothes and the ways that each of the hairs on the back of his neck weaved around one another without having to look at him. 

The moon was shining on him, providing his body with a bright outline that made him look almost unreal. It’d been a couple weeks since they decided to start dating, so Shuichi was still unsure about physical contact, but in that moment he felt compelled to comfort him so much that he was almost physically drawn to the guy. 

Shuichi was less stealthy with his next few steps and Rantaro nodded slightly to the spot next to him, a sign that he knew Shuichi was there. Instead of making his way next to him though, Shuichi opted to gently wrapping his arms around Rantaro’s body. Touch almost feather light, as not to be overwhelming. He placed his cheek in the space between his shoulder blades, line of vision glued to the dock’s floor and croaked out a hushed ‘this okay’. In lieu of an answer, Rantaro placed a hand over one of Shuichi’s the way he usually did when the other was anxious. 

After a couple minutes of Shuichi standing there, listening to the other’s heartbeat slowly return to normal from its former racing state, the teen lifted his head to place his chin on Rantaro’s shoulder. 

He followed his line of sight towards the ocean. This time, there was a city in the far distance rather than the empty vastness they’re normally used to. Usually, their contemplative staring helped bring them back to earth, but lately both of them have been feeling rather floaty. Almost...lost. There was so much sea, a constant physical reminder of what’d remained undiscovered that surrounded them at all times. There was nothing but blue ocean in every direction, it felt surreal in the least comforting way possible. 

All that was left was the land that was there, somewhere beyond the horizon, but out of reach, and the two of them. Shuichi leaned his left cheek against Rantaro’s right one. It was cold and the piercings in his right ear bore into the side of his head, but he didn’t mind. 

“Do you want to talk about it today?” He asked after what felt like an eternity of melting into one another’s space. Rantaro sighed heavily and Shuichi could feel his ribs move beneath his fingers. He’d gotten skinnier in the past couple weeks so Shuichi could feel individual ribs when he moved a certain way. 

To his surprise, Rantaro turned his head towards Shuichi and smiled at him, small and pained, but appreciative. His green eyes contained an eternity’s worth of worries and Shuichi thought that if he looked hard enough he would be able to stare straight into Rantaro’s core, where his deepest worries lie, shut away. 

Rantaro’s eyes took in Shuichi’s features in the moonlight. His grey eyes that seemed bottomless, his pale skin covered with a strong blush from the cold and the close proximity of their bodies, the countless stray hairs around his face. He appreciated the boy’s slim features, small lips, long lashes, taking them all in like he was desperately trying to burn them into his memory.

He stared like it was the last time he would see the other boy and tomorrow he would wake up and find the boat completely devoid of Shuichi’s presence, as if he was never there in the first place. Like he was going to turn around in the street one day and be faced with a crowd full of strangers rather than his boyfriend’s shy smile and the worried look on his face. Rantaro feared making attachments, but not as much as he feared losing them. 

A particularly strong gust of wind blew in their direction, messing up Shuichi’s bangs even more than before. He was shivering under his large hoodie and Rantaro found himself squeezing the two of them together. With the boy’s hair out of his face, Rantaro thought it’d be a good moment to bend down slightly and place a slow kiss on his lips. 

Momentarily shocked, Shuichi reacted soon after and reciprocated. Their kisses were far and few between, but when they did kiss it sent shivers down Shuichi’s spine, being so unused to this type of intimacy after all. 

“I’m afraid.-” Rantaro started once he pulled away and placed a couple more lazy kisses to the boy’s lips. Shuichi made a curious noise but stayed silent. “-I’m still worried about my sisters, I still have no idea if they’re out there anymore, but now I have someone else to care for and I’m just..scared that you’ll disappear too” 

Shuichi had never seen Rantaro be so straightforward and honest with his fears. Usually they would dance around it and end up doing something to distract themselves instead of actually vocalizing the issue. This time around, though, Rantaro let all of that go and told him straight up. He was afraid of losing Shuichi’s companionship, his presence. 

Shuichi couldn’t possibly begin to imagine the amount of shit that Rantaro’s mind is stewing over. Each issue only ever ending up being bottled up and stored away. His face expressed what his words couldn’t get across, he was afraid of being alone again. Afraid of it being his fault. 

“I’m not going anywhere. I can promise you that.” Shuichi told him, steadying his voice as much as possible and looking Rantaro in the eye to nail the point home. He really wasn’t planning on it. 

With one last kiss, initiated by Shuichi this time, chaste but reassuring, he returned his head to the space between Rantaro’s shoulder blades. His arms gave his torso a solid squeeze and Shuichi listened closely as the boy’s heart beat fluctuated between quick and slow.

They stood there silently, listening to the ocean water splash gently and the howling of the wind that created waves around them, wishing that tomorrow the sun would rise and they would see each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this !!! this could obviously be so much longer, if I wanted to actually have them find Rantaro's sisters, or even if I actually went into depth about their adventures BUT I wanted to focus on their relationship so I hope that's not terribly disappointing.


End file.
